God Comes Clean

From the Daily Blah, sometime in the not too distant future.

God, that slightly mystical chap with a long beard and sandals, appeared at a press conference today to deny his existence. His told us:

"Well things have been a little shaky for the last few hundred years, but it was this Higgs Boson discovery that prompted me to reveal the truth. It wasn't me who created the world and man, and even women for that matter. It was all done through physics and stuff.

To be honest I was always surprised so many people believed in me for so long. I mean, for fuck's sake, look at it objectively. There were wars, with so many millions killed, there were natural disasters, people with   so little morals that they'd do unspeakable things and the believers still thought that I, with my all seeing eye, was busily pulling the strings.

Well I ask you, if there was a chap doing all this he must have been working only part time at the least. And worse, lots of my most ardent followers were paedophiles and as corrupt and dodgy as the best and highest ranking politicians in the world.  The church, don't even start there my son. It wallowed in its wealth while so much of the world basked in extreme poverty. That can't be right can it?

Yes, fair point, I did send that Jesus chap down. But I wanted him to play for Barcelona, not pretend to be my son and do his magic show. He was good, but he was no Derren Brown or David Blaine. Or even that new guy, Magician Impossible, he's fantastic he is. To be honest his walking on water act is a lot better than Jesus' was and he does tricks with iphones too.

As for Heaven, well I've got a flat in Kilburn. It's quite big and the concierge chap is called Peter, well not at weekends, that's Brian, but I can see how people got the wrong end of the stick. I couldn't get that many people in there, maybe twenty five, thirty at a push if I moved the sofa.

Gravity, there's a thing. Why on earth (did you see what I did there?) would I invent that? I fell off a ladder last week and it ached like buggery. No way would I have invented something that stupid for no reason. Life, if you ask me, would be infinitely better if we could all float and fly around at will. I'd go to Sri Lanka, maybe  even Italy, and wouldn't have to think about fares if there was no gravity.

So I want to set the record straight. I don't exist. All you religious types worshipping me can get on with some proper doing good to others now."