Rules Of Lovemaking

After extensive research, incurring considerable cost in both time and money I've come up with the definitive explanation of making love. It's clearly a complicated business and I'm learning all the time but the basics are:

1. iPod - At least one party must be listening to music on an iPod
   
   
2. Frilled and fancied up - The woman must be wearing garments of that description. I'm unsure what garments qualify but I reckon things like net curtains should do the trick. Parthi said this and he strikes me as a man who knows.
   
   
3. PM tells us that there should be feelings of comfort, plenty of laughter and cooing involved as well as relaxed messing around. A good session in a comfortable armchair with a comedian who does pigeon impersonations should do the job. If the comedian is a bit stoned that would be handy too.
   
   
4. McBoom tells us that there should be kissing involved. My hunch is that he means proper kissing, not the Sri Lankan cheek sniffing business, which should only be used on Aunts.
   
   
5. Darwin says it's cheesy, PM says it's not. Bea says that the main difference is the cheese factor and a Barry White track. One thing's for sure, cheese is important to some of these women. Boys, I would advise you to take some cheese on your next date. Perhaps a good pungent brie or a nice stilton, it's best not to ruin things by turning up with a couple of Dairylea triangles.
   
   
6. Anonymous asks about "Empirical confusion". Sadly I was never a Star Wars fan so I can't even come up with something remotely witty about this.
   
   
7. Themissingsandwich tells us some girly stuff about stirring loins and souls, I didn't understand it either.
   
   
8. David Blacker gives us a vital bit of information; that it's about the time of day. He doesn't tell us what time of day means sex time and what is making love time, so my advice to any ladies hanging around outside his gaff is to check your appointment time carefully before you sit in the waiting room.
   
   
9. Anonymous replies kindly to tell us that it's about bangers and mash and a 5 course meal. I'm partial to bangers and mash so I'm left none the wiser here. Food is the word.
   

And there we have it, the ultimate guide. To refresh you, the key ingredients are food, lots of cheese, an iPod, the woman to wear net curtains, a stoned comedian who does pigeon impersonations and an armchair.

Easy.

Oh, and for fuck's sake stick a Barry White album on and don't kiss like a Sri Lankan Aunt.