More On Poo

Morning all. Sorry for yet another poo post but I felt I have to share this with you, particularly after my last one, on involuntary emissions here.

There I was, last week in casual conversation with a friend who's a Doctor, a medical one no less. The chit chat strolled over to the area of pooing, as many conversations people have with me tend to. I really don't understand why this occurs, there must be a common denominator in there somewhere.

I mentioned, all nonchalantly, how there's little better than a nice comfortable poo in one's own bathroom, with the reassurance of some warmth, a bit of good reading matter and a good chunk of time. A copy of Modern Drummer is often my choice but you might go for a newspaper or even a good bit of fiction if you're so inclined.

Most men would agree with me, it's one of the things we do. I draw the line at taking food or drink with me but, in my smoking days, I'd happily take a cigarette with me. Sometimes I'd even smoke it.

Women, we're told, are far more functional in toilets than us. This might be one of those great scams that the female sex often pulls on us, like this one on Facebook about the colours or that G spot fallacy, or should that be phallacy? But the fairer sex maintain the story that they barely even fart let alone sit on the throne and enjoy a good dump.

So anyway, I digress. I was involved in this mens' tete a tete with Dr M, the Doctor whose name begins with M. His response to my nonchalant comment about nice, long leisurely pooing was that we should all do quick poos, that ideally a dump should take about the same length of time as a decent pee.

I couldn't help myself. I winced and grimaced, making that face as if I was squeezing a slightly larger than the aperture one out. The same time as a decent pee? Seriously, that's what he said. Then he went on to explain that protracted sitting, straining, huffing and puffing can make the muscles get weak and loose.

The little men, those chaps in my mind who make it work at times, started to work a bit of overtime. Images of curtains flapping in a breeze compared with a good solid rollerblind sprung up as I thought about weak arse muscles, about what might happen if, hypothetically of course, a fellow had some of them. I put the question, hypothetical of course, to Dr M.

"So, if someone had weaker muscles around there, could that mean that they do a fair amount of involuntary farting, random ones when they're not expected?" I said. I could chuck in the "hypothetical of course" line one more time for effect. I won't, I don't want to overdo it, but I'm fairly sure that I did say it to him.

"Might that explain why, as we get older, we might drop a few unexpected ones when we cough or laugh or breathe?" I added.

Dr M pondered, in that way that academics do, he scratched a chin or two and looked upwards and to the right. I've noticed this in brainy people, they always look up and to the right and slightly squint when they're thinking. Normal chaps like me just look blank, wide eyed and startled. I think I might cultivate a looking up and to the right pose just to deal with brainboxes and to try to fit in with them.

"Hmmmm....yes that could happen" came the considered response.

"Damn" I thought, possibly out loud.

I'm now faced with a few dilemnas, or should that be a dilemni?

Is this involuntary emission business something I should be worried or proud about?

If I want to discourage the phenom then should I start to do quick poos, express ones? A sit down, perhaps one rapid push and then wipe and go.

If I go for the express option then how will I get through my back issues of Modern Drummer?

Your advice will be much appreciated.