Friday, August 5, 2011

Marry, Shag, Kill....

It's a bit of a liberty to say it, but I think I can speak for most men when I tell you some things about sex, specifically about the way we men approach it compared to how the female persona does. As a caveat I must say that I can't talk for gay people.

The fly in the proverbial here is that I haven't quite figured out the workings of the female mind just yet, though I'm close, perhaps a mere couple of hundred years away. But I do know what we men think about, when we're not pondering on cars or pretending to be intellectual.

For men, sex (of the hetero variety) is simple. It's binary, black or white, or often both, and it works like this. We see a woman and our brain has two options:

1. Do we fancy her?

2. Do we not fancy her?

This might be seeing as in glancing at her or seeing as in meeting, getting to know her and such like.

After answering the first two questions the man will then find out if the lovely lady is available, not necessarily the same thing as whether she's married or unmarried to some, and of course make that quick calculation about whether oneself is available. ( a varied and uncharted minefield I know!)

Given the correct combination of permutations and bang, the man will try, in his usually inept and unsuccessful way, to have sex with the woman. It's a fairly straightforward process, simple and uncomplicated, like us.

Once, C asked me what happens when I see a woman who I think is cute, say at the supermarket. I looked at her with puzzlement.

"What do you mean what happens?" I asked, with a proper man's what on earth are you talking about look on my face.

"Well what do you do, what happens next?"

"What happens next?" I asked incredulously. "What do you mean what happens next."

"Well how do you approach her?" she asked.

"Approach her?" My mind was well and truly boggled.

"Nothing happens of course, we just go off and find the aisle with the cold meats (or whatever we're shopping for at the time)."

All men will understand that. No women will. Weird but true.

Things however, on the female side of the fence are another matter.

Men, listen to me, for this is priceless information that might help you at some point in the future. Women have all sorts of different levels of attraction that goes on and it goes on in their...............head. Seriously.

Women can fancy a man, can find him attractive, good looking or whatever, yet not want to sleep with him. I don't know the whys and wherefores but trust me on this.

Another conversation the other day with someone (a girl) went something like this:

"Of course you fancied him, you told me many times" said I.

"No I didn't" said she.

"Yes you did, you told me, you said how you were after him for ages but he never fancied you."

"Ah, I had a crush on him, but I didn't fancy him, I wouldn't have slept with him."

"You what?" I said and decided not to pursue.

You can imagine how this sort of information is just not processable to the mind of an average man. I merely looked at her with an expression on my face that Hugh Laurie whilst sucking a lemon would have been proud of.

They have all sorts of different classifications for men too. There are men who they want to marry, to have a fling with, to sleep with just once, all different of course, never would all of those criteria be met by one man. There are famous men who women drool over but wouldn't touch with a bargepole because of, would you believe this, their personality. I kid you not.

Then there are ugly funny men, who can apparently get any woman to do anything for them. What's all that about?

And all of those things are what made me realise the other day that that game; marry, shag, kill, you know the one, can only have been invented by a woman, possibly a gang of them. For, had it been thought up by one of us, then it would have been called, quite simply;


No comments: