Tuesday, July 24, 2007

The Rhythmic Jones Arsewiping Device

I've never started a trend before and I'm not even sure if this is a trend but my post on arsewiping and my wetwipe discovery has led to a couple of other ones.

First there was Java with his take on the situation. It's written with his usual poise, elegance big words and wealth of experience. Then there's A Janusis' nice post on the messy crevice business too. A Janusis says that my post was "mildly disgusting in a gay sort of way" leaving me unsure whether to feel complimented or insulted.

It's clear to me that Sri Lankan arse wiping is a very different game to British arse wiping. At my ripe old age I had never known that these fundamental differences exist and I've a new ream of knowledge and information to call upon.

Reading A Janusis' post and the bit in which he wonders what left handers do reminded me (in a vaguely tangential way) of a bloke I used to work with in a rather large shop when I was about 20. Every morning this chap would go into the toilet. You'll think I'm making this up but I'm not. He'd go in carrying the Sun, a cup of coffee and his cigarettes. I, even with my low standards, found this disgusting. How anyone could read the Sun I'll never know.

I left a comment on Java's post about the weather having an impact on the chosen method of clingon removal and I failed to offer much of an explanation but I'll attempt to remedy that now. My theory is that, in hot countries, some soap, water and elbow grease is quite practical and easily workable. You can do the washing and cleaning and then hang your arse out of the window and it will be dry in a couple of seconds. The warm air, the tropical climate and humidity takes care of everything, just exercise some caution about exactly which window and which establishment you choose.

In less warm, positively cold, European climes things are very different. In bleak midwinter, which currently lasts until about August here in London, the last thing a fellow wants to do is to splash cold water on the old nether regions and face the world with brown icicles dangling from the backside. So we don't do it, we use paper and go for the whole dry method. It's not as effective, particularly in the event of an aggressive clingon or one of those ones that always leaves a tiny bit to be wiped. But it does take the climate into account.

I used to think it was a fallacy made up by white people about Asians wiping with their left and eating with their right hands but clearly I was wrong. I just assumed that everyone wiped with paper or only used water if they were unable to get or use paper. But from comments and other posts as well as conversation with people I have discovered that most Sri Lankans prefer the wash and go method.

Two of Sri Lanka's sexiest women even told me of their chosen method. I faced a dilemna in choosing whether to be turned on or slightly disgusted by their revelations but I made the right decision. I'm a man first and a sensitive new metrosexual type of chap second.

The question needs to be asked; what do you Sri Lankans, those who go for water and soap, do when you're overseas. Do you do as the Romans do and feel unclean or do you go for the Sri Lankan way and risk flooding your host's bathroom? These things need to be found out in the name of science and stuff.

Java mentions that Dutch people often use lesbians for wiping duties

"Some of the ‘tins’ leaked, so you would have to either act like the Dutch boy and the leaking dyke..."

I think this is a fundamental breach of Human rights and will sign any petition against it.

But, in the meantime Java and myself continue to work on our latest invention, the Rhythmic Jones Arsewiping Device. It's a built in arse washer that shoots a spurt of carefully heated water to the precise location. It's currently being trialled in Barefoot but not quite ready to market.

We have had some problems with overweight people. They can sit on the toilet and create a vacuum, resulting in the high pressure needed for proper cleaning to back up. Essentially this causes an explosion but somewhere further down the drainage system. Remember that big hole in the Galle Road? That was actually the result of trial toilet number 15 in Barefoot and a person with a bit too much of those lovely King Prawns. So, a word of advice. If your Body Mass Index is over 28 don't have a poo in Barefoot. If it's between 20 and 28 you'll be fine and clean too. Under 20 and you're likely to get blown away by the jet of lukewarm water.

Don't say you haven't been warned. We've just got a bit of fine tuning to do and it'll be fine.


Chandare said...

Well Rhythamic,
Most middle class Sri Lankans use this device .

Extremely rich Sri Lankans have personal servents ,or "water boys" as they call them,who will pour water onto their backside while the master wipes himself with his left hand.
P.S.This is spooky.....the verification word I got for this post starts with the letters "trd".Do you have a special arrangement with blogger or the almighty trying to send me a message?

Java said...

Hilarious sheet maaan. Now don yo go gettin all fixated on dis crap, hear?

Yellow Suddah said...

haha, nice post.

have you seen this before?


Janusis said...

Now this is one of the funniest posts i have read on your site..

And here I thought it would be the decent thing to do to ignore JJ's references to dykes.

Oh, and I was not being insulting to ya. I meant gay as in a happy sort of way. You know, the way it was used during the time of the dutch boy and his dyke..

David Blacker said...

Well, I lived in chilly ol' Europe for a few years and am proud to say that I have never EVER used paper, not even on a plane (though there was that one time at the Mt Lavinia Hotel when the tap wouldn't work, but let's not go there).

All I can say is, what the fuck. Don't you limey types have hot water in your English loos? Never was a prob in Germany where you also get bidets and hand-showers.

A final word -- bowl, plastic, small, Mk1. Never leave SL without it. Fits in your hand luggaage, won't set off airport alarms, and in a real emergency it doubles as a crash helmet.

Rhythmic Diaspora said...

Chandare - I have heard of these rich Sri Lankans with "water boys". I applied for one of these positions many years ago but failed at the final interview stage. My life has never been the same since. Yes, I have a special arrangement with blooger for these verification things. I have requested that every 3rd time Java makes a comment it gets eaten by the system. It works well.

AJ - Thanks, I'll forward you tge petition against this Dutch cruelty immediately.

David - No. English toilets rarely have bidets or hand showers. If I ever meet you and you offer me a lift on your motorbike I'll remember not to wear the crash helmet!

Beatrice Hannah said...

You need to add a blowdrier to your toilet. Sadly even hanging ones butt out of the window doesn't get it dry however warm it is outside.

Washing leaves one wet which is the main downside of the Sri Lankan toilet system, and that's what I meant when I commented on your last bog related blog post.