The Rhythmic Jones Arsewiping Device

I've never started a trend before and I'm not even sure if this is a trend but my post on arsewiping and my wetwipe discovery has led to a couple of other ones.

First there was Java with his take on the situation. It's written with his usual poise, elegance big words and wealth of experience. Then there's A Janusis' nice post on the messy crevice business too. A Janusis says that my post was "mildly disgusting in a gay sort of way" leaving me unsure whether to feel complimented or insulted.

It's clear to me that Sri Lankan arse wiping is a very different game to British arse wiping. At my ripe old age I had never known that these fundamental differences exist and I've a new ream of knowledge and information to call upon.

Reading A Janusis' post and the bit in which he wonders what left handers do reminded me (in a vaguely tangential way) of a bloke I used to work with in a rather large shop when I was about 20. Every morning this chap would go into the toilet. You'll think I'm making this up but I'm not. He'd go in carrying the Sun, a cup of coffee and his cigarettes. I, even with my low standards, found this disgusting. How anyone could read the Sun I'll never know.

I left a comment on Java's post about the weather having an impact on the chosen method of clingon removal and I failed to offer much of an explanation but I'll attempt to remedy that now. My theory is that, in hot countries, some soap, water and elbow grease is quite practical and easily workable. You can do the washing and cleaning and then hang your arse out of the window and it will be dry in a couple of seconds. The warm air, the tropical climate and humidity takes care of everything, just exercise some caution about exactly which window and which establishment you choose.

In less warm, positively cold, European climes things are very different. In bleak midwinter, which currently lasts until about August here in London, the last thing a fellow wants to do is to splash cold water on the old nether regions and face the world with brown icicles dangling from the backside. So we don't do it, we use paper and go for the whole dry method. It's not as effective, particularly in the event of an aggressive clingon or one of those ones that always leaves a tiny bit to be wiped. But it does take the climate into account.

I used to think it was a fallacy made up by white people about Asians wiping with their left and eating with their right hands but clearly I was wrong. I just assumed that everyone wiped with paper or only used water if they were unable to get or use paper. But from comments and other posts as well as conversation with people I have discovered that most Sri Lankans prefer the wash and go method.

Two of Sri Lanka's sexiest women even told me of their chosen method. I faced a dilemna in choosing whether to be turned on or slightly disgusted by their revelations but I made the right decision. I'm a man first and a sensitive new metrosexual type of chap second.

The question needs to be asked; what do you Sri Lankans, those who go for water and soap, do when you're overseas. Do you do as the Romans do and feel unclean or do you go for the Sri Lankan way and risk flooding your host's bathroom? These things need to be found out in the name of science and stuff.

Java mentions that Dutch people often use lesbians for wiping duties

"Some of the ‘tins’ leaked, so you would have to either act like the Dutch boy and the leaking dyke..."

I think this is a fundamental breach of Human rights and will sign any petition against it.

But, in the meantime Java and myself continue to work on our latest invention, the Rhythmic Jones Arsewiping Device. It's a built in arse washer that shoots a spurt of carefully heated water to the precise location. It's currently being trialled in Barefoot but not quite ready to market.

We have had some problems with overweight people. They can sit on the toilet and create a vacuum, resulting in the high pressure needed for proper cleaning to back up. Essentially this causes an explosion but somewhere further down the drainage system. Remember that big hole in the Galle Road? That was actually the result of trial toilet number 15 in Barefoot and a person with a bit too much of those lovely King Prawns. So, a word of advice. If your Body Mass Index is over 28 don't have a poo in Barefoot. If it's between 20 and 28 you'll be fine and clean too. Under 20 and you're likely to get blown away by the jet of lukewarm water.

Don't say you haven't been warned. We've just got a bit of fine tuning to do and it'll be fine.