Behaviour - How Do You Do Yours?

I have a friend who operates by the treat others as they treat him principle. It's not really about revenge but it is about acting in the way that others do. For example, if someone was to refuse a favour to said friend, then the next time that same someone asked the friend for a similar favour, he'd almost definitely answer with a refusal.

My position on these matters is different, at least I think it is. I prefer to think, and to act, as if I have a more firm position and that my behaviour is less influenced by the way you'll behave towards me. I try to stick to my standards and benchmarks regardless of the way other people are.

For example, I've encountered an ongoing situation at my office that has been happening for some years. Most lunchtimes I'll nip across the road to our local Tesco as it's the only place around here. I noticed that a certain person would always ask me to get something for them, no big deal in itself, just a sandwich or something else low in price.

After some time it struck me that this woman would rarely offer the money for her lunches. She used to, but I assume my refusals to accept what I considered small change made her think that she didn't need to offer any more. But my sort of behaviour with friends is one in which I'm more than happy to buy you lunch today, as long as you buy it tomorrow, a give and take approach to things.

Then I realised that this person would hardly ever go to the supermarket herself. If she did, if she offered to buy something for me, she'd always take the money from me when I offered it, a clear imbalance, particularly as she'd usually try to sneak away quietly anyhow.

I observed this, I noted the behaviour and I carried on behaving the same way as I always had. I must admit that there's some sort of strange and smug sense of satisfaction in maintaining one's own standards, though I sincerely hope my ego isn't so big that that was my main motivation.

In my mind there's the thought that, if I reduce my standards to match someone else, then I become as bad as them and we all end up losing track of who started the behaviour and who was following who. There's the thought that I want to maintain my own standards, not influenced by what you do, whoever you are, unless you're a person I admire.

And maintaining one's standards, being above everything and letting it all go, is all well and good. If I could truly and honestly behave like that all the time then I wouldn't be thinking about things, I wouldn't be writing this post, I wouldn't be asking you what you think.

You see what actually happens with me is that I maintain my behaviour and my standards but I have a limit, a tipping point. I'll buy you a drink, a lunch, a car or whatever. The next day you might not reciprocate, you might let me do it again and that probably won't matter to me. The following day I'll buy you lunch again, you get the picture. The point is that I won't or don't react in the short term.

But after some sort of extended period of this, I decide that enough's enough. Then I get really pissed off. That's what happened with the work and Tesco girl. I let it go for quite some time but have now got to and gone past my tipping point. On the rare occasion she asks me to get her something I always take her money. I never offer to buy something for her though. These are ways of behaving that I feel fundamentally uncomfortable with, they're not me, but they have to be used. Enough's enough.

My friend, the one I mentioned in the very beginning, rarely encounters a situation like this. Had he been in my position, probably on day one of the not paying for the sandwich business, he'd have either demanded the money or refused to do it the next day. He would have changed his behaviour to match that of the other person, thereby solving one problem but perhaps creating others.

If I could get to a Zen like state in which the behaviour of others had no effect on me whatsover then all would be peaceful, though I have the feeling that this isn't realistic unless I was a monk or a hermit or something. And frankly I like sex, cars and rude jokes too much for that.

A mature and considered view on this is that whatever behaviour is good for you works. But what do you think on these sort of issues?

Should we stick or twist?

Happy Monday all.