There I was, sitting on the bus observing life as it came at me from every angle. Yoofs listening to their iPods, Mothers with kids and bags, bags with kids and Mothers.
They got on the bus just past Teddingon Lock and came upstairs to sit about four rows away from me; the ugliest couple in the world, of that there was no doubt. The similes and metaphors all popped into my head in sporadic bursts, like the Sri Lankan army firing into the sky that time when the LTTE flew down to Colombo. My similes were a lot funnier though, and they hit things too.
Oh yes, it wasn't just one pig ugly person, it was a brace of them, looking like someone had put a fire on their face out with a shovel, like a bulldog chewing a wasp and like they'd fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. In fact they looked like they had fallen out of the ugly tree together, not just hitting every branch on the way down but also rebounding off each other a few times.
I'm sure they're lovely people, that they're the life and soul of every dinner party they go to and they're highly in demand on the after dinner speech circuit, but I was transfixed by their looks, or lack thereof. And I started to wonder and ponder about sex and ugly people, not in a pervy way, more in a "my God do they do it?" kind of way. I thought of Jennifer Aniston, as I so often do in times of need. I know that, unless she has a strange fetish for Sri Lankan blogging drummers, then the chances of her finding me attractive are pretty damn remote, even more remote than the chances of the two of us meeting.
So I figured that even a very ugly person would find a sex symbol like our Jen pretty attractive. And it follows that a very ugly person, even though they are low down on the attractiveness scale, would also recognise an ugly person of the opposite sex.
Then what happens? What goes on in their minds? Do they decide to "settle" for a fellow ugly or do they keep looking and trying in the hope of finding a highly attractive person who's going to go for someone less aesthetically pleasing than they could get?
And when a couple is made up of two of these uglies do they secretly look at each other and think that they could both do a bit better on the looks side? Or perhaps the total package is what matters, all that stuff about women going for men who make them laugh and who stimulate their mind is all well and good. But I reckon every woman really wants a chap who can make them laugh, who can stimulate their mind as well as look like Brad Pitt, preferably hung like a horse too.
The more I think on it the more flummoxed and discombobulated I become. What exactly goes on in the head of one of these people? I'd really like to think that they spend much of their time gawping at each other's beauty and sexiness, but I'm not so sure.
If they do then good luck to them.
But the bus uglies got off in the town centre and strolled off hand in hand, looking for all the world like they had the most beautiful partner they'd ever set eyes upon.
Maybe they did.