Thursday, April 24, 2008

Men, Women, All You Need To Know

I went through my usual blogs the other morning and saw Dinidu's post about girlspeak.

Sometimes the onset of age and experience is a wonderfully liberating thing. There's many a thing that just can't be taught but has to be learnt through empirical evidence, if that's the phrase.

Understanding women is one of them. As we men get older we discover things about the fairer and smarter sex every day. We occasionally learn a bit about women too. (only joking there!).

But, if you ask an older and experienced Adonis type, I reckon he'll back me up on this; that we don't really learn or get to understand women, we just learn that they're impossible to understand and we understand that we have so much more to learn.

I feel qualified to preach a little on this. As you know I'm renowned for my fearlessness and, well my lack of fear. I'm prepared to speak out on behalf of my species; men. Just don't mention it to any of the women in my life if you know or meet them.

Allow me to present my credentials; I have an ex wife, two scary almost teenage daughters (whom you know well), a Sri Lankan Mother and I once kissed a girl, not on the lips though. I think I can be safely considered as an expert.

And young Dinidu has made two big errors in his attempt to understand women, or girls as he calls them. It's understandable because he's a man.

We men operate through a simple yet beautiful system, one that can make us easy to read, easy to predict and easy to understand. The system is called "rules". We have them, we use them and we live by them. If a man says that he likes a boiled egg for breakfast then that means he's happy to eat one everyday for the rest of his life. At breakfast time too. If a fellow likes a certain pair of jeans then that means he's happy to own a wardrobe full of the exact same jeans and wear them whenever he wears jeans, which of course is all the time.

There may be different rules that apply to different men. I have heard a theory that just because Man A likes beer it doesn't necessarily mean that Man B does. I'm happy to go with it even though proof does not exist. Most men would agree. We are men. We like to eat, drink and fart. We like cars and blondes and scratching our balls. We like to watch films that are either violent or funny and we like loud music. Simple. Like us.

Dinidu, like a very talented youngster who has suddenly been called up to play cricket for his country and has dropped a crucial catch becasue he was waving to his Mum, has made a schoolboy error. He's assumed that there are rules that apply to women, that the behaviour of a female is governed by a set of laws.

Let's continue with the boiled egg scenario. As I said before, a man who says he likes an egg for breakfast will be happy with one on his breakfast plate every morning, for the rest of his life. If a woman says she likes an egg for breakfast it means nothing whatsoever. Do not base your future behaviour on her apparent liking for a breakfast egg. Ask her what she wants for breakfast before you present it to her and expect the unexpected.

Dinidu's second error was to apply logic to the female mind. As if dropping the catch because he was waving to his Mum wasn't enough he's now let the ball hit him on the head too. Logic is a man thing. We think in straight lines, we make assumptions that are correct if they're about other men. Logic is like scratching your balls, it's not a female thing. For the sake of fairness I should point out that all men are crap at cartwheels and women can do them naturally. Maybe it's because they never have to think about the pain involved if you crush your balls when you land or something.

So, just to recap. The rules for understanding women are as follows:

1. There are no rules

2. Logic doesn't apply

3. Never try to understand them.

It's that simple.


Anonymous said...

Right on. So much so that since women do not follow the above pointers, most women don't understand other women too. :)

So us guys shouldn't feel left out!

Jane Doe said...

A tad harsh dontcha think RD???
As a member of the sex that performs cartwheels, girls don't have rules (very true) but they do sometimes use logic and they (we) have a harder time getting men to understand what we say... I think it's to do with feelings. My experience (which is having a father, about a hundred uncles and one ex-boy friend) has taught me that women have more feelings than men. So men don't always get the feeling involved in say a relationship so things naturally get fucked up.

p.s. - Men also have rules for th bathroom. The male members wasted ten minutes of our lives by making us sit through the video on Men's Bathroom etiquette (
CAVyMw). WTF!!!

Dinidu de Alwis said...

He he... I was literally laughing through the whole post...

I guess one can never understand women, and me at my young age trying to understand them is like a kid from pre-school trying to understand the theory of relativity.

And completely true on the jeans thing. I have a complete collection of shirts, 14 1/2", blue, cotton, long-sleeved and a whole row of slim cut 14 1/2" cotton dark short-sleevs, five identical black t-shirts, and a couple of pairs of jeans to prove that.

We're simple creatures. And guess that's why we're happy.

bogzy said...

wait til the "Evil Child" sees this !!!

Rhythmic Diaspora said...

Jane - A tad harsh, but tongue firmly embedded in side of mouth.

Dinidu - Ta

Bogzy - I'm only making it worse for my future aren't I?

Mumz said...

Hmmm....interesting. My opinion is like; men speak one language that all men are able to understand whereas women speak another language where most women are able to understand, but when trying to communicate in between the sexes, comes the problem.

For example, if I'm cooking or doing some work, my hubby would ask "do you need any help?" while sitting on the couch. He might be sincere in his offer, but that's not what we girls expect. On the other hand, if there was a girl friend of mine around,they would just join in on the work without any questions, and they know exactly what to do. There's kind of an understanding. Whereas with my hubby, I have to change my ways because he doesn't 'understand' what a woman like to be treated as.

L said...

Wish it was all as simple as women are complicated and men are not. That would make life easy because then at least that in itself would be a rule you could go by!

Human beings are complicated...full stop! Some more than others.

Jack Point said...

Harry Belafonte thought otherwise in Man Smart (woman smarter)....:)

L said... Jamaican Rum! :-)

Anonymous said...

i would like to point out that some jamaican rum isnt smooth.. duh.

hmmm interesting. so who's the girl you kissed? Did she come back for more.. or did you give her one of your theories.

i think men are pretty simple... unless they are complicated.

most of them are happy if you give them a plate of food, sleep with them occasionally and let them run around a football pitch with nylon shorts on. (similar to a spaniel that likes nylon). I call it the three f's.

women need a whole lot more.. What exactly depends on the women..

poor poor dinidu... so much to learn and so little time

Indyana said... need a heel hit over your head!Just joking!

Pink Mist said...

omg. a boiled egg every single day for the rest of his life?!? hilarious post! but cant get that scary thought out of my mind. i cant even stick to the same type of chocolate for more than three days straight :D

Rhythmic Diaspora said...

Anonymous - That would be telling.

Pink Mist - That's because you're not a man!