Thursday, February 19, 2009

Of TMS, Boys, Balls And Belts

TMS wrote an interesting post the other day about others peoples' perceptions of her. The theme of it is that she feels she is a tomboy, though it's written with her customary lilt, with much more detail and using words like "magnanimous". Class.

Now I've never met TMS in person, though I do feel as if I know her quite well. We communicate regularly by email, we're FB friends and she frequently sends me naked pictures of her, but I've never actually met her face to face so I can't really say whether she comes across as a tomboy or not.

She tells us in her post that she drinks more than many men, swears like a trooper and she smokes like a chimney. Also she's frequently the only girl out with men when they go out for a drink.

Our favourite spell casting thespian goes on to say:

"Because deep down all I really am and all I’ll ever really be… is one of the guys. A man with boobs."

Well TMS you inspired me to think, as you often do with your writing, and this time I contemplated and cogitated about what it meant to be a boy, apart from the obvious and old fashioned physical business about willies, vaginas, breasts, periods, babies and beards, all so last century.

Like everyone in the world today I spend a lot of time watching reruns of Friends. I often think that there must be African fellows, living in the remotest little villages in darkest Africa, who haven't the faintest idea who Barack Obama, or maybe even Mervyn Silva is, yet they know all the intricacies of Ross and Rachel's relationship and were as happy as the rest of us when they sailed off into the sunset at the end.

I can never remember which one it is but there's definitely one series that's no way near as funny as all the others isn't there? I think it's about series 7 or 8 and I should try to figure it out some time, but each time I see one of its episodes I groan a little. But, that's by the by, the thing is that the writing of Friends is one of its many strong points and each character contains elements of the ideal man and the ideal woman.

Every man wants to be a combination of Chandler's wit, Ross' intelligence and Joey's sheer boyishness and ability to bed women. Every woman wants their personal combination of the three girls. Though every man wonders what on earth a woman would want from Monica or Phoebe.

And boyishness is something that only true boys understand. It's well documented that I like shopping and use moisturiser but I still think I'm all man, perhaps with a couple of female strands floating around in my DNA.

Being a real man isn't about drinking with men, smoking or using bad language. No, being a real man is defined by two main things; understanding the joy in scratching your balls and getting joy out of a totally useless gadget.

I could write a post about scratching balls but frankly that would be easy. I could make you chuckle with humorous tales of gonad itching and the comments would flood in and I might get in Cerno's book. But I'm going to take the road less, er blogged about, and tell you about gadgets, one in particular. The one I bought on Saturday, the one that gives me a manly feeling each I look at it.

I went to Richmond for a mooch around the shops and to buy some mens' things; shampoo and cream for my nails. And, while mooching I looked at belts, brown leather ones. I'm not a label person these days, I tend to buy things that I think look good on me. Unless the label is Superdry of course, then I tend to love it because of the brand, but other than that I won't fall for all this "buy me because of my branding" stuff.

But for some months I've had my eye out for a nice brown leather casual belt. I've got one already and I wanted another, I like to live on the edge. In Sri Lanka I was disappointed in Otara's selection, that would have been my first option, so I just thought I'd keep looking in a non urgent way.

There I was, walking through a department store, we have more than one over here, and a brown leather belt caught my eye. It was thick dark tanned leather. There was no fancy stitching, no loud patterns and it had a simplistic buckle. I also noticed that it's made by Ted Baker, a label that's quite British and quite expensive. It had a price label on it, and it said £35, a shitload of money for a belt I thought.

I looked at the thing. I tried it on and was fascinated by its design. You see it had no holes and no spikey thing in the buckle to put through the holes. The buckle had a clever thing that held the long bit of the belt in place on its own, giving the belt a sleekness that I liked. But, the longer I looked, the more I deliberated, the longer the price remained at £35, a shitload of money for a belt I thought.

My staring at the belt, turning it in all directions and generally acting like a bride to be choosing a wedding dress, was making me a bit stressed. Am I turning into a girl? Maybe I am to TMS' man with boobs a woman with a willy. Maybe the shop assistant was looking at me thinking that I was a drag queen, a woman or a shoplifter. Or all three, or any two from the three.

And then I saw it, the clincher, the USP and I reacted in the way that banished my fears and made me realise I'm not a woman with a willy or anything like that, I'm a man, apart from the strands of female DNA. Yes, I'm all man, with a huge throbbing drumstick.

There was little label attached to the belt and it explained, in trendy marketeer's speak, that the buckle incorporated a....bottle opener. That was enough for me. I bought it and would have willingly paid twice the asking price, a shitload of money for a belt I thought, but not one with a bottle opener.

Not once in my 24 (plus a few) years have I been caught short without a bottle opener. I have a friend who can open a bottle top with his thumb and a disposable lighter and that's without using the flame, but it's just not something that has ever bothered me.

If I was stuck in the situation I'd just smash the neck of the bottle and drink away. I guess the only time this might be a major problem would be if I was stranded in a marshmallow factory with just bottled beer and no opener. Then smashing glass would be hard to do and I might die from thirst. The death would be even more painful if I had started to eat the marshmallows, which I would.

But I had to buy the belt. And now I know that I'd live if the whole marshmallow factory nightmare ever did happen to me. Unless I was wearing the old belt of course.

I spend a lot of time glancing at this belt and, as I look at the buckle with its built in opener, I feel a sense of joy that only another man would understand.

That's what being a man means. Joey would understand. Girls don't.

And scratching balls.


Anonymous said...

Ok this post certainly is sadistic. Charatrises a person who has spent their formative years in the 80's watching watching twisted cartoons also qiute possibly Aron Spelings 90210. Creepy.

ALL women I am sure do not want to be a combination of the three goof heads on friends. Female mind is far more complex and cannot be portrayed within three compartments.

ewww totally creepy !!!


T said...

when i read the words "getting joy out of a totally useless gadget" i thought 'yeah i don't really get that'.. and then i realized you were talking about actual gadgets :)

Anonymous said...

huge throbbing drumstick = ego ?

nah, cannot be as drumsticks are vertically challenged. The truth I guess.

TRUE about scratching balls= men.

What is with them [OO] anyway ?
I keep asking my significant other about "hygine" issues and suggest frequent intervals of water and soap but I am firmly told its a man thing and has nothing to do with anything else but with the Y strand.

Did Jackson, M have the same issue on stage and did he just incorporated it as a prt of the dance routine ?
So then he is man.

This does help with the logic thing. Super.

themissingsandwich said...

Hey, that was er... below the belt. Just because I was not born with balls. Hmph! What nerve RD! ;-)

themissingsandwich said...

And if you're going to tell them about the naked pictures of me, I think its only fair that you let everyone know that you started it!

Rhythmic Diaspora said...

Anon 1 - I really don't understand your comment, but think you may have taken the post just a little bit too seriously. I also don't know what charatrises means, but will look it up and hope that explains things to me. Thanks though.

T - Oh yes, I was!

Anon 2 - This is the thing. Women cannot understand the whole ball scratching issue.

TMS - Shhh...don't ruin my reputation like that...pleeeease

ViceUnVersa said...

Drinking with other men…
Using bad language…
Why are you marginalising us men who believe in the above, and I believe you must had;
Females are meant to be seen and bedded, at our convenience.
TMS/Natty usually is a bit of a drama queen; she is the one of the most feminine sexy bits I know, with apologies to her ex-hubby who I love dearly!
There is no way Natty can be mistaken for a man.
She just drinks well!
DD has spoken. Must rush now!

Ineshka said...

heheee :)) FUNNY!! :))

just like to tell you what I would like to have that Monica and Phoebe has... Monica's cooking skills, and her organizational skills to a certain level :)) and most definitely Phoebe kindness :))

Serendib_Isle said...

I’m sure you could’ve gotten yourself a cheap belt, a bottle opener, a ball of twine (to hang the opener to the belt) and a whole lot more beer with 35 quid. But that’s Joey. You seem to be a mix of the three, with a touch of Monica, me thinks.

Never mind, love the post..!

Rhythmic Diaspora said...

GM2U2DD - what can I say?

Ineshka - thank you, but Monica is ever so slightly obsessive eh?

Serendib Isle - Yes, your plan could have worked perfectly. But I hardly ever need a bottle opener! You're right that I'm a mix of all 3; Joey's intelligence, Ross' ability with women and Chandler's looks.

Ineshka said...

Yeah I know, Monica is obsessive (I took out the slightly part :))... which is why I think I need her organizational skills to a "certain" level :)) heheheee :))

Anonymous said...

ViceUnVersa who said,
"Females are meant to be seen and bedded, at our convenience"

ohhh dear this person clearly suffers from Hykenfluki. A condition which causes a sudden rush of shit to the brain.

On the other hand it may be that the poor dear possibly has never had any experience beyond the submissive forms on second life.

Amazing how uninformed one can be even in this present day and time.

Gypsy said...

A belt........ with a BOTTLE OPENER???????????????????????????

Are you serious?????

Hahahahaha, omg. You're right. I'm all girl. I do NOT understand the appeal.

But I love that you spent a shitload of money for a belt with a bottle opener.

You may be all man. But you're kinda adorable, R :P