The 2009 Lankanosphere Awards - The Funniest Blog

Morning all and welcome to another week in the land of freedom, liberty, democracy and independence. And a big hello to those of you in Sri Lanka as well.

This is the final week of this year's event and the real big boys, the hard hitters of the awards are now looming larger than Sicile Kotelawala riding a rhinoceros and wearing an extra large Chuck Norris T shirt whilst charging towards towards us.

Humour in writing is a strange thing isn't it? When you're looking for it it's hard to find, but when you're not seeking the stuff it can jump out and take you by surprise. That's one of the characteristics of humour; the surprise element is part of what makes us chuckle and spit everywhere. So my search for funny Sri Lankan blogs is a continually challenging one. You can't just google the keywords and find the fellows, it's only when you browse a few blogs that they fall out of the blogosphere and land on the funny bone, which isn't that funny at all. Truth be told it's fucking painful, God knows why they call it the funny bone, which is probably the joke in the first place.

Last year's winner was the laugh so much I think I might have just shit a little bit inducing Dramaqueen and therefore she's excluded from this year. It's weird but true that women are generally far better at doing the sensitive, emotional and delicate writing but it seems us men are better able to make people laugh. I don't know why this is, just look at groups of people out in bars and you'll see men laughing and telling jokes and women talking earnestly about important things, like why they don't write humorous stuff. Strange no?

Dramaqueen breaks all that sexist mallarkey and cracks up her readership with witty observations and stories that have us rolling in the aisles. If I ever get to meet her in real life I'll be sorely disappointed if she doesn't make me laugh like a monkey with a big carrier bag and the key to the banana plantation.

We have three fine nominees this year. They're three blogs that have had me guffawing, lolling and farting involuntarily (more than usual). They are:

1. ASOB, NQIM - Or, the blog formerly known as A Sort Of Beautiful, But Not Insane Mind. It would seem that everyone knows Jerry. He falls off bikes and goes on trips with many in the Lankanosphere on a fairly regular basis. He also has a gift. It's that ability to take an otherwise everyday and mundane situation and tell us about it and make us laugh. Have a read of this post, his quite famous job interview with Batman one, to see what I mean.

Jerry reckons he has "a water-bed of fluff that I had between me, my mind, and the real world" and this post gives us a better idea of where he's coming from. I don't know about the water bed and fluff and mind business but I do find him funny, with a capital h.

2. Cerebral Ramblings - It's written by a girl, she's called Makuluwo and she's funny in a different and more subtle way. Her blog isn't so much of a rip roaring slap your sides as you laugh kind of thing. It's more that you read it and chuckle quietly and knowingly at her slightly bitchy, very cutting and extremely sharp observations. Check this post out. It's about pants, trousers and boys. And it's about Papareboy's Mum, who gets quite a lot of stick. I don't know her so can't say if she deserves it or not. She's a mother, she's Sri Lankan so yeah, on balance she probably does deserves it.

There's something scary about Makuluwo too. Read this, then tell me that you'd go to her as a friend for advice. No, me neither.

3. Sri Lanka Land Of The Blind - This is most definitely a side splitting thigh slapping laughing out loud blog. It's written by a bloke called Da Blogfather and is a bit on the political side. There are good big chunks of text about the Rogerproxys, I don't know what Da Blogfather means but he says that this is what would happen if they ruled the world. Check it out, it's good and funny, or that's what most will think anyhow. At some point in the future this blog may cease to exist. We'll have to see what happens with the whole censorship issue.


Well as is usual there's but one winner. Choosing has been tougher than being brown skinned and getting quick service at the Galle Face Hotel, but the panel has done its job and made a decision. Yes, the winner is................





...............Makuluwo and Cerebral Ramblings

So much for the bit about men being more humorous and all. This is the second woman to take the title in as many years. It proves something, maybe along the lines of women being better than men at everything except getting kicked in the balls and being crap at multi tasking. Men are extremely good at both of those of course.

Our guest judge is none other than Dramaqueen. She had these heartwarming and hilarious words to say about the winner.

"Not everything is worthy enough of dragging me out of the woodwork, save the chocolate sundae with extra topping from Mcdonald's. But this is rather exciting. I've never been a judge before. Well, technically I have, but that was for the Mr. Sexy Legs competition at a family do, so it doesn't count. None of my uncles are sexy.

Of course, when one is invited to judge something as glamorous as the RD blogscars, one must approach said duties with the seriousness of an eagle contemplating a paraplegic katussa. It is opportunity not to be missed. To be asked to guest judge the humour category and thereafter to consider a blog a delightful as Cerebral Ramblings for first place... well... this just makes me feel like Sarath won the elections.

Right. Niceties out of the way. To the subject at hand...er..monitor.

There is funny and there is funneh. Cerebral Ramblings is neither. The blogger is in a league of her own, one that not many understand or appreciate, save the head psychiatrist at the Mulleriyawa hospital. If the pen is mightier than the sword, then her keyboard far outweighs the tickliest of feathers. She provides the reader with side-splitting guffaws on the most miserable of days with her mad wit and imagination. When Makuluwo blogs, even Gota seems tolerable. To top it all off, she saves puppies, too. She is living, breathing, blogging proof that women can be interesting beyond their curves. A girl after my own heart.

My heartiest chuckle and congratulations go to Makuluwo for keeping my undies soaked in piss everytime I read her. Long live her funny bone.

Dramaqueen."

Congratulations and well done to Makuluwo. Thanks several dozen times to DQ for the guest judging and the untold emails (about 5 actually but that would be telling).

RD

The 2009 Lankanosphere Awards - The Best Photoblog

We end the week, though not the awards, with one of the most hotly contested and sought after prizes, that for the best photoblog. The inaugural winner of the title was Dominic Sansoni himself, only about fourteen at the time but we here at LLD can spot artistic talent early.

He went on to do great things and is now not only one of the world's best photographers but can also be seen frequently in many of Tom Cruises films (sort of). He is also responsible for a large percentage of Sri Lanka's illegal Lamprais trade but doesn't like to talk about it. On top of that he somehow finds the time to sing backing vocals on tour with the Killers, except in Scandinavia where they use a local Swedish bloke because of work permit issues.

Last year's worthy winner is the now legendary Amila Salgado, the scrabble playing bird watching long lensed maestro himself. Yes folks, it's clear that the standards in the best photoblog awards are high, in an entirely subjective way.

Here are the nominees:

1. Aamina Nizar - She's a girl who often appears second, particularly in phone books, when she usually loses out to anyone with the name of Aadvark. As she tells us in her profile she's a Sri Lankan who studies and works in India. Her blog is a heady mix of the delights and sadness of both nations. Her use of depth of field is particularly breathtaking and she has a sense of colour and dynamics that chaps like me take about thirty years to realise we'll never have.

I love the way she can take a cliched scene and make something special from it. This picture of the Taj Mahal is a prime example. It's like a good drum part, it's what's not there that makes it special.

2. Tableaux Of Aufidius - Aufidius is another Lankan student plowing his studious furrow overseas, but this time it's in the UK. He's equally adept at capturing the beauty of Lanka and the different type of beauty of London. It's a shame that the plant people grabbed it first or I'd have used "photosynthesis" as the way to describe that skill.

Some of Aufidius' outstanding pictures are Little Scholars here and Among the Roses here. I've never met the bloke but I reckon Aufidius might be a great comedian as so many people seem to be grinning like the proverbial Cheshires in his photographs.

3. Sean Henricus Photography - I assume this is his real name as it seems an unlikely pseudonym. His profile tells us that he's spent time in New Zealand but is now back in the motherland. Some of his work reminds me of Sebastian Posingis' in that it makes me want to jump on a plane, one of those Sri Lankan ones with an in seat entertainment system that doesn't work, a seat which has a cushion that slides off and lands in Colombo approximately several hours after it was due.

He's got an imagination as well as a camera. Check out these Christmas light shots as examples of his arty side. One of my favourites is this post, the second photograph specifically. There's something about the scene, the dark foreboding cloud and the warm colours in the sky that makes me feel as if I can smell the aromas, feel the heat and hear the insects as they chatter.

But, there can only be one winner. And that winner, of the best photoblog for 2009 is.................




...............Tableaux Of Aufidius

Why?

I must say that I don't really know, it's more of a feeling. Aufidius' pictures give me the most constant butterfly in the stomach feeling of all three nominations, which is ultimately how I judge a photograph. The technical bits all count but it's when you feel things that you know it's all come together nicely.

I hand you over to our special guest judge, the Lamprais smuggling king and Killers backing vocalist (except Scandinavia) himself. He had these things to say of our winner:


"How horrid of you to ask me to write anything. I neither speak nor write.

But.... intrigued by a soul that is as interested in spiders as he/she is in space and light. Early pictures like 'Stairway to my bedroom' have developed into much much more (look at 'Liverpool Dock'). I like someone who makes their own lighting (thank you mr. Mondrian), likes people, and again that insect thing.

'Image from my scrapbook' is a joy - and makes me wonder who this is. I think we have the makings of a good architect here and certainly a wonderful photographer. And the panorama of The London Eye just wishes I was back for a weekend."

There you are, a winner and a worthy one, but also three photoblogs that are worth far more than a passing glance. Thanks to all of them for the images.

Have a nice weekend out there in Serendib, I'll be back with the final three awards and more guest judges next week.

RD

The 2009 Lankanosphere Awards - Best News and Current Affairs Blog

One of my drum teachers used to tell me that life gets in the way of music. Well that's also true of blogging and writing. It's actually quite time consuming to plough my way through the many blogs in the Lankanosphere, trying to figure out if there are any that I've missed that should be included in any of these categories.

Ultimately, as I've tried to say, it all comes down to the blogs I read, the ones that I'm drawn to and use to formulate my opinions on so many things that are Lankan related. Serendib Isle asked in a comment here if it would be possible to have some more people power or to be able to send in some nominations. We (the extensive team of researchers and writers at LLD) will definitely have to look at that for next year, but we wouldn't want you to think that there's any danger of democracy breaking out.

We all know the dangers that can come with democracy. Dissenters being, ahem, "discouraged", corruption galore and nepotism, despotism and vegetarianism running rife. No, it seems far better that the awards are run by one man choosing exactly how things are done, that way it's so much fairer for everyone and we all get to eat meat.

What has that got to do with my drum teacher? I'll be buggered backwards with an old lamprais without too much seeni sambol if I know, but I just thought I'd chuck it in there. At the GLF last year that VV Ganeshananthan gave a very informative tip about writers and imagining you're climbing a mountain when you write. She said that anything you introduce at any point in the story is like putting a rock in your bag. You then have to carry it up the mountain, it's always there, to be used, you can't ignore it.

Well my approach is to chuck rocks out at people lower down the mountain at random points in my ascent. And there goes the drum teacher rock, with the very minor, almost irrelevant, point being a little apology from me for the fact that the awards are taking a bit longer than I had anticipated.

The Best News and Current Affairs Blog Award is another new one, one that's a bit serious for these parts. Let's face it, as far as Sri Lankan current affairs go, things are nothing if not interesting. Steven Seagal applied for the post of editor of the Sunday Leader but was turned down for being a bit of a scaredy cat and Chuck Norris considered, but rejected the idea of running in the presidential election. He ran. Frightened and with a poo stain in his pants.

There are two News and Current Affairs blogs that I read continually and the third is more sporadic. They're very specifically ones that I use to formulate my own opinions, as opposed to ones I might read to prove my preconceived ideas as correct. The three of them are the nominees. They are:

1. Perambara - It's the brainchild of a group of youngish journo types, mostly in Sinhala, or squares, as the font is called here. The best description is this one, from their "about" page:


"PERAMBARA means ‘dawn’ in Sinhala, one of the two official languages in Sri Lanka, a small island nation located at the tip of India that has been embroiled in conflict for over 25 years.

PERAMBARA will deliver stories that cover a variety of issues including humanitarian and development-related stories. We will report from the perspective of the ordinary people, communicating their views and the challenges they face. We will also be covering stories that are inspiring and that show how all Sri Lankans, despite their cultural background, can contribute to creating a peaceful, prosperous and sustainable Sri Lanka.

PERAMBARA is aimed at those living in Sri Lanka, as well as the Sinhala-speaking audiences living among the diaspora. We aim to be a progressive news and information channel that is driven by a responsibility to the public and is committed to maintaining a high standard in the stories we produce. "

My lack of Sinhala prevents me from getting the real benefit of Perambara, which is a major negative, but the articles in English have helped to keep me informed in the recent past. It's good, ejucashunal and positive.

2. DBS Jeyaraj - A fellow who's a bit like Dame Judi Dench in that he needs no introduction. She's that very famous actress, the one in all the films. I was put onto the DBSJ blog some months ago by David Blacker and I rapidly became a fan. If there was a shitload of comments award this year DBSJ would be the clear and undisputed winner. He gets hundreds of comments and probably has even more readers than House Of Fashions has people hanging around outside the front door on a sale day.

I can often be heard imparting news, knowledge and facts I've picked up from DBSJ's blog. Some would say that's a bad thing though.

3. Groundviews - Boldly going where only Captain James T Kirk has gone before is Sanjana and the award winning Groundviews. Yet again the best way to tell you about it is to do a bit of copying and pasting. Here goes:

"Groundviews is Sri Lanka’s first and only award winning citizens journalism website and features an unparalleled range of ideas, opinions and analyses on humanitarian issues, media freedom, human rights, peace, democratic governance and constitutional reform."

Last year Groundviews won a rather prestigious Manthan South Asia Award and the Manthan people said this:

“What no media dares to report, Groundviews publicly exposes. It’s a new age media for a new Sri Lanka… Free media at it’s very best!”

For the sake of clarity and accuracy I should mention that they didn't say it in red, that was my choice. They went for a more blueish hue, with some hints of yellow. My apologies if you're reading this is black and white. Or Belgium.

Groundviews is a mixture of things by a mixture of writers and the comments are often as interesting as the posts themselves. In fact most of the comments are longer than the average post here at LLD. Not as funny though.

After diplomatic deliberation, profound pontification and careful cogitation the judges have decided the winner is........







............. DBS Jeyaraj.

I feel rather insignificant as I award this as I'm pretty sure DBS Jeyaraj's knowledge and awareness of my blog and these awards is about the same as Britney Spears' understanding of the most complicated rocket science ever, things that Scotty wouldn't even know. Nevertheless I think it's a well deserved award and I'd like to thank DBSJ for the blogging and knowledge so far.
Groundviews was just pipped at the post, but will have to make do with its Manthan South Asia award for now.

I'll hand things over to our very special guest judge for this award, the fantastic and aforementioned Ms Britney Spears. She had this to say:

"Phwooaarr, that RD. I really like fancy him like. Awesome. And what does aforementioned mean?"

I think Britney sums things up rather neatly.

RD

The 2009 Lankanosphere Awards - The Innovation Award

Hello dear reader (s). Sorry about the delay in proceedings but we're back with the next award and it's another new one. This means that the virtual trophy is sparkly, shiny and gleaming. It's never been received by anyone before and may well never be received by anyone again. We like to live dangerously here at LLD, but not dangerous in that precarious mountain walking way.

Innovation is a puzzling phenom in terms of blogging and the Lankanosphere because, let's face it, there isn't exactly oodles of the stuff seeping out of every orifice, making a mess on the floor for an old aunty to then slip over on and break her hip. Clearly that's a good thing as far as the aunt is concerned, but for the rest of us bloggers it's not so good. Not that we've got anything against aunts of course. In fact, in my opinion Aunts are usually preferable to Sri Lankan mothers, though don't tell my one that if you see her broomsticking her way around Colombo.

But there are still a few innovative blogs and ideas that have cropped up and these, as far as me and the vast team of judges here are concerned, need some recognition. Enough of my rambling, let's move on to the nominees, the bloggers and blogs who have been more creative than one of those wild, mad and eccentric types, poets I think they're called, though not the ones who write poems that don't rhyme, as they're totally mad.

1. Surani's Baby Diary - I've surprised myself with the inclusion of this blog. I'm sure there must be other blogs like this in the International blogosphere but this is the only one I'm aware of in the Lankan one. It's all about kids, two in particular, and is a huge outpouring of mother's love, which is nice. Sue, the mother concerned, has talked us through the births and growing upness of her two little girls. So far, much to my credit, even if I say it myself, I've resisted the urge to leave comments and explain exactly what two cute little girls become in about ten or fifteen years. I'm kind like that.

This year we witnessed the birth of the second girl, called Dilmi, with pictures that made us all say "aaaaah". I wonder, in years to come, if the two girls will ever read the blog and what they'll think. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

2. Talk Chalk - This is the work of that St Fallen fellow who writes his other blog here. He says that Talk Chalk is how he channels his inner retard and that he talks in the third person. Well RD hates that third person stuff, he really does.

I don't know how he does it but it's a series of cartoon drawing things with some witty lines and scripting going on. It's strangely addictive though I find, with my advancing years, that I don't understand around half the jokes and the half I do understand I don't really get. Look at this one as an example. It made me break out in a broad grin and I haven't got the faintest idea why. Also, if you have a look at his archive page here you'll see in the bottom left corner the smallest smiley ever known to mankind.

3. Cerno's Book Project - The Right Honourable Cerno needs no introduction, except to people who don't know him. He's consistently one of the innovators of the Lankanosphere with ideas like his google earth related posts as well as his ongoing study of Sri Lankan graphic design.

The book project, or T100SLBPBP as it came to roll smoothly off the tongue, was Cerno's idea of compiling some of the best Lankan blog posts and putting them out in a book form. We were all behind Cerno, mostly because we all fancied being included in a book. Well all except David Blacker and Brandon, who selfishly have books with their names on the cover already.

Sadly the project just sort of ran out of steam and Cerno decided to abandon it. It's still there for the taking if anyone wants to nurture and develop it so one day it might see the light of day. In the meantime I suppose the Kottu section in the Sunday Leader is a kind of relative spawned form Cerno's idea. Either way, it's a fantastic idea that the Cerno put a load of time, effort and creativity into.

4. Dream Into Reality - For about the last five years this blogger, Rajaratarala, has lived and planted himself, quite literally, in the motherland. He tells us on his profile that he's lived most of his life in the US and here in the UK and is now learning to live his new life in Lanka. It's a captivating, joyful and tear inducing account of his victories and losses, triumphs and disasters.

Have a glance at this post or this one to see some of the battles he's trying to fight, they make for educational reading. I've been one of his many readers for some time and I hope that the struggles reduce for him, even if he has way too many of his fair share of A's in his name. Half, yes half, of the letters are A's. That's just wrong. I know a girl who has an eight letter name and half of those are I's. They're merciless vowel thieves these fellows, thy mst b stppd bfr t's t lt.

That's it for the nominees. Sadly Sittingnut's brilliantly unique idea to do a round up of Sri Lankan blog posts didn't make it into the category.

It's my genuine pleasure to announce that the first winner of the Lankanopshere award for innovation is......


........Cerno with the Top 100 SL Blog Post Book Project.

At this point we welcome David Blacker, who has agreed to act as a guest judge. He had these words to say about the T100SLBPBP and he meant them:

"I've always liked Cerno's blog, and in fact it was one of the first I ever visited on Kottu. He's always got cool stuff, from google maps images of Tiger boats to building your own radar. But his '100 Blog Posts' book idea was one of the best, and it was a great pity that no one actually picked it up and did it. The closest it came to reality was Indi's Kottu section in the Sunday Leader. However, it certainly was an innovative suggestion, and might have raised some useful charity moolah. Maybe one day it'll actually happen, but 'til then, a little bit of blogger immortality goes to Cerno."

I must thank the other nominees, particularly Dream into Reality, which came a very close second. They've all given me many hours of stimulating reading and prove that there are some innovators out in the Sri Lankan blogosphere.

RD

You Thought Sigiriya Was Bad?

Check this. I swear I was an exhausted bag of nerves by the end.

Who Broke Kottu?

Come on, own up, who was it?

You thought you were big and clever, with your blogstitution, fake clicks and whatever else didn't you?

Now Indi's gone away and left us to it and we're all fumbling around looking for the blogs we used to access so easily.

Nice job, really, well done.

The 2009 Lankanosphere Awards - The Fashion Police Are Coming For You Award

Morning All, I hope you're enjoying the proceedings so far. There's a lot more to come and next week is when things get all proper and serious, like a Sri Lankan election commissioner writing a letter to his mum.

Today's award is a brand new one, a category that many try and fail with spectacular success to get into.

The Fashion Police are Coming For You Award is pretty much what it says, it's about notable fashion disasters made by members of the Lankanosphere and available for all of us to see.

You can probably see the problems here. There's youtube footage aplenty of Lankan "personalities" committing fashion crimes that would have Lady Gaga cringing and Jeremy Clarkson looking like the King of mens' fashion. But, most of these personalities aren't bloggers so they're excluded.

Then there are occurrences by the dozen where I've seen a blogger dressed like they're about to go to a Freddie Mercury party and the invitation asked them to dress a bit wildly. But those haven't been photographed or videoed for all to see, or the need for anonymity has to be respected, something I'm a fan of.

A fence?

Yes. I don't want to cause one of them so have to be weary of that, which kind of excludes women from this. I've seen women with make up that looks like it was applied by Ross from Friends, shoes that Ronald McDonald wouldn't wear at Stevie Wonder's birthday party and jeans that have been taken up but not taken in at the same time, so the hang is all wrong. I know that last example is hard to believe but I swear it's true. Yet all these females are exempt. Why? Because, and I'm a brave type so I'll just admit it, I'm scared, it's as simple as that.

Which leaves us with two candidates.

The first one is a much loved blogger, a former friend of mine who'll probably hate me forever more, and then a bit longer. I watched this clip with alarm and that cover my eyes with my hands but peek through the gaps feeling. If you've ever collected a Sri Lankan from Heathrow airport you'll know the look this blogger is going for. The overall look could have been so normal and so relatively okay if it wasn't for the footwear. I can't be sure but I think they might have velcro fastenings.

Yes, our first nominee is our Dinidu, for this foot related fashion disaster.




Our second nominee is a bloke who usually demonstrates more fashion awareness than Jennifer Aniston at Brad and Angelina's wedding. Every time I've seen him he's made me feel as if I'm one of the unknown blokes who gets beamed down with the "names" on a Star Trek episode. But this clip proves that heroes can make fashion errors and gives hope to many. Yes, in with another footwear faux pas it's our Sanjana. I'm afraid I can't embed it in the post so you'll have to click on the link here. Trust me it's worth it. Smart clothes (ish) and then he goes and puts on those slippers. If I was Tracy I'd have walked off the interview in protest.

As usual there can only be one winner, though I can truly say that, in this category everyone's a winner. Yes, the winner is indeed Sanjana. He's won many awards for his courgeous journalistic feats and intellectual prowess but I'm sure this will be his proudest achievement.

I was going to ask Sittingnut to be a guest judge but had a slightly apprehensive feeling about that plan. It could turn out a bit like getting the Pope involved in judging a who makes the best condoms competition. Oh well! Instead I got Mr Sartorial Elegance himself. Yes, Java Jones, who had this to say:

"Shit man....

Sanjana’s footwear? The ones he’s wearing at the interview with Tracy are one of many – he has a whole slew of them, different styles and shit. The thing is that someone told him that he had sexy toes, and being a foot-fetish freak himself, he likes to expose his toes – just to check the reaction of folk like you. Don’t ask me why! Nothing to do with fashion, I'm sure..."

I think Mr Jones, as usual, sums things up nice and succinctly. If nothing else this category proves that these highly brainy fellows sometimes make mistakes. They're so busy thinking about serious things like politics and science, elections and words with lots of syllables, maybe even three, that they forget about footwear.

See you next week, have a fine weekend.

RD

Independence And Irony

Both begin with the same letter.

Is that a mere coincidence?

The 2009 Lankanosphere Awards - Best Newcomer

Hello again people, we're back with the second 2009 award and, the academics among may have deduced this from the title, we're onto the best newcomer award. Last year it was won by Kalusudda comments, that ever so simple and good idea.

Every time I think of KS I feel a little bit sad and worried. His last post was in July 2009 and he's since disappeared. We know not if he's okay or just busy or what. When I say "we" I actually mean "I", as you might know of his whereabouts and welfare. I hope KS is out there doing his thing, whatever that thing is, with the proviso that it's not too illegal or too immoral.

This year there are only three new Lankan related blogs that have caught my eye. I'm sorry that some people feel excluded, that these awards aren't representative of everything out there in the Lankan blogosphere, but they're just a bit of fun, based on what I, and the guest judges of course, like to peruse. The esteemed nominees are:

1. Go To Sri Lanka - It's a blog, but not as we know it. It's half advert for the motherland (depending on your origins), half holiday snaps and half a ton of google ads splashed just about everywhere you can imagine. There are many blogs that have this effect on me, but the quickest of glances at it makes me want to grab the nearest manbag and jump on a Serendib bound plane.

2. See Chavie Run - This blog, only in existence from February 09, has caught my eye for mushy, incoherent and intangible reasons, which of course I'll now try to explain in tangible and coherent terms. Firstly there's the cleanliness to the eye, a certain sort of BMW look to the blog. Everything's well thought out and appears exactly where it should be. There's nothing hugely radical to the look, it just feels right.

Secondly there's the writing. I don't know this Chavie fellow so I hope he takes this in the way I mean it, but he writes like a girl. There's a depth and sense of feeling to his writing that most men just don't have, except writers. Blokes write on a superficial level, Chavie gets beneath the surface and takes things several steps further. I bet he's got loads of women chasing after him because of his sensitivity and understanding. I like him, just not in a gay way.

3. Cadence - Her blog has been around since May 2009 and it's a bit of everything. There's poetry, recipes, deep posts and shallow posts. It's a Bombay mix of a blog, the kind a chap can dip into, look at what comes out and say "ooh fuck me, I didn't expect to pull out one of those." From what I can gather our Cadence is a girl with courage, in her Dear 16 letter she tells how she went out with a bloke who had a ponytail. I admire women with that kind of strength, I really do. To hell with public opinion, this is a girl with balls.

There are the nominations but sadly there can be only one winner. It is......




See Chavie Run.

I like the variety, the sense of casual talking the reader through his life, that Chavie manages to portray. His moving tag cloud is about as reliable as a Sri Lankan clockmaker, but, other than that it's all good. I may have used too many commas in that previous sentence, I'm not sure though.

Congratulations to Chavie.

The last words are best said by the Kottu Godfather himself, our guest judge Mr Indi. Praise doesn't come much higher:

"Chavie's blog feels like it's smiling. Like a young Cerno, he seems to enjoy what he's doing and doesn't get in too much trouble. In between the hate and hubris of some Sri Lankan blogs, Chavie stands out as someone who just seems to enjoy blogging. The blog is refreshingly
chilled out and his comments as well are good natured and welcome everywhere they appear."

indi

The 2009 Lankanosphere Awards - The First One - Best Overseas Blog

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome officially to this, the fourth annual Sri Lankan blogging awards. It's all just a bit of fun, presided over by me and a smattering of guest judges, some of whom are real and some whose input is just that little bit made up.

The awards are broadly based on the blogs listed on Kottu, the first port of call for most people seeking Lankan and Lankan related blogs in. I don't understand Sinhala so sadly need to exclude blogs written in the language as well as those in Tamil. Sorry about that, but I blame my parents.

The best overseas blog is seen from the perspective of Sri Lanka being the home base as such. In other words it's for the best blog written and published from outside Serendib. Previous winners have gone on to, well, nothing really.

The esteemed nominees are:

1. Mahasen does blogging - This gentleman, a Mr Mahasen Bandara, lives in the US and is a vegetarian. Apart from those obvious faults he's responsible for a very delicious and eclectic blog. His photography is usually spectacular, sometimes a bit better than that, and whether it's people or landscapes, Lankan or American the pictures make me feel those butterfly things. Which is good. He writes about politics, life and things in general, sometimes in Sinhala but mostly in English.

2. Just About Anything - Or JapSach's place as most of us call it. JapSach is a bloke, called Sach who currently lives in Japan, though I don't know how he got that nickname. For a few years he's regaled us with anecdotes and observations about his life in the land of the rising sun. He tells us of the trials, tribulations and triumphs of his Japanese existence. My Dad used to have a Triumph you know, he often tells us his tales of riding around Sri Lanka. He's (Sach, not my Dad) also got the coolest clock this side of Colombo Fort. It's not because of the size though, more the quality.

3. Rice and Curry - This blog, by an American Sri Lankan who calls himself Skiz, is a bit of a specialist one, as it's all about food. Skiz travels the world eating things and learning how to cook them. He pays particular interest to Sri Lanka and her food and wears his passion for all things foody on his sleeve. On the negative side he does possess one of those very suspicious looking moustaches as favoured by Sri Lankan Presidents and their rivals. Check out this post, which shows the programme he made with Anthony Bourdain in Sri Lanka. Mmmm....

4. DD - Old DD's heady mix of diasporic yearning, political comment, text and fonts that go all over the show and so nearly make sense at times is infectious and readable in its own strange way.

5. Darwin. - The blog written by everyone's favourite parasitologist and second favourite domestic goddess (after Nigella of course) deserves a mention. Sadly it's only open to invited readers so there's no point including it in the awards. I just wanted to tell you that it's still as good as ever, and gloat a bit that I'm one of the select few. Nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh.


With no further ado I'm pleased to announce that the winner, the 2009 Lankanosphere Best Overseas Blog is........








............Just About Anything.



Our guest judge, Tiger Woods, had this to say about Sach and his blog.

"As I travel the world playing golf, living the millioniare lifestyle and sleeping with models and porn stars things can get quite sad and depressing. When they do I always glance at Just About Anything and it cheers me up and puts a bit of joie de vivre back into my day. It's a well deserved accolade and I congratulate Sach from my top secret sex addiction clinic place."

Congratulations Sach, we await your speech.

RD

The Election, The Blogs, The Book And The Twits

I was sitting at Heathrow airport yesterday, dropping C as she headed off to the motherland, chatting and watching the Lankans milling around waiting for the plane. One of the things we talked about was the Presidential election and our respective thoughts on it.

I've observed myself as I've observed things happening and I've been amazed and fascinated by the impact of the various internet mediums (if that's the term) and how they enabled me, and probably millions of others, to get real time information and feedback on the state of play in Sri Lanka on a minute by minute basis from all those thousands of miles away.

There were four main platforms I used, the obvious ones; Facebook, Twitter, the mainstream press (on the net) and the blogs, mostly fed to me from Kottu or the ones I link to from here.

In the days preceding the election the blogs and press were the clear winners in terms of getting across their message. For months each Sri Lankan newspaper had told us of the virtues and benefits of its chosen candidate, the majority had gone for MR but some still extolled the virtues of the retired General. In the run up each paper had time to produce nice wordy and well thought out articles, as well as a lot of rubbish.

There were also emails going around, the usual sort of "fan" thing, as well as people putting things up on Facebook, though usually copy and paste jobs or links to blogs.

The blogs did their thing too. There were people like Sittingnut and Voice In Colombo on one side, others on the opposing side and many who, to me at least, didn't really appear to be on the side of either of the main contenders, but on the side of change. By that I mean that there were people who weren't really pro SF but were going to vote for him because they'd had enough. Had I been a voter I would have bunged myself in that category.

Then, when we got to the 26th (election day) and the 27th (results day), the situation in terms of the coverage changed dramatically. The online newspapers, all except the Daily Mirror, though that's more like a forum these days anyhow, couldn't react quickly enough to act as "real time" information providers, so other platforms rose to the occasion, a word I always have trouble spelling.

Most bloggers, those that had kept their allegiance a bit quiet before at least, came out and showed their colours. There were some suprises. Indi's support for SF surprised me more than I could believe. With many of his posts seeming quite pro MR recently I'd thought that the incumbent prez had managed to seduce Indi somehow. How wrong I was.

On the 27th, as the results started to filter through and the Cinammon Lakeside got more publicity and TV footage than Yasmin Cader could ever dream of, it was Twitter that came into its own, with the blogs taking a firm second place. Facebook seemed to fade away and only acted as an outlet for people tell us that they'd written a blog post or that they had a gig the next weekend and we're all invited.

I was surprised that Facebook became a bit pedestrian in that sense but, with hindsight I probably shouldn't have been. After all it is a social networking site first and foremost. The chat thing was something I used, to talk to a few people to see what their take on this was, but that was more because it was there than anything else.

Twitter became like one of those old fashion newsroom machines, the ones that churn out all the news on ticker tape. Everyone was telling everyone what was going on, then everyone else was retweeting things in case we missed it the first time around. Tweets were coming through at a rate so fast that even Michael Schumacher a Sri Lankan bus driver would have struggled to keep pace with. It was mad but in a good way.

Those people who had a little more time somehow managed to dash off quick but informative blog posts giving better detail than possible on Twitter. Indi and Groundviews were particularly prolific in this sense and I genuinely thank them for the updates. In the middle of all of this the Daily Mirror site went down, I don't know if it was sheer volume of traffic or what, but it was as much use as a clown's outfit to a fish, one that doesn't want to work in a circus at all.

I came across some blogs that I've hardly ever read before, one of which was this Telshane one. As with all the information sources it was vital to try to apply one's own filtering mechanisms to things. People were forwarding rumours, heresay, Chinese as well as Taiwanese whispers and things they'd heard from their driver who had heard it from the cousin brother of his friend's sister.

As I read posts like this one I wondered first what they've done to the pool at the Cinnamon Lakeside, as it looks as though one end now has a sort of barrier. Secondly and rather more importantly I felt incredibly involved with the goings on. It was like an out of body experience. I was at my desk, in between meetings on a pretty busy day yet only seconds away from events as they unfolded.

So that's my take on things, or how things were revealed. It was a lesson to me, a very positive one about how the world is so small and accessible. It's not about journey times and physical distances, it's all about broadband speeds, Blackberries and HD video, Tweets and blogs.

The post of the day?

This one. It made me laugh.

Have a good weekend all.

RD

Land Like No Other (unconfirmed)

Like so many other diasporic Sri Lankans I'm at my desk watching things unfold from afar, which is not to say that there are loads of us huddled around my desk, you probably know what I mean though.

Twitter, Facebook, email and text messaging are working as hard as a Polish builder in London to keep me as informed as possible. With the way the motherland is I wonder if I'm more, less or just differently informed compared to you people out there.

Latest reports, all unconfirmed, say that SF is at the US Embassy at the moment, the Cinammon Lakeside is surrounded by armed personnel and Delifrance has run out of Tuna mayonnaise. Things are that bad.

The election results look to be firmly in favour of MR, but who knows for sure at this stage? As I type I've just seen on FB that state media has declared MR to be the winner, but that there's no word from the elections commisioner.

The government is to sue SF and four German tourists in the swimming pool at the Cinammon Lakeside have complained about the noise.

The vote went with SF in the North East and MR in the rest of the country, or so it seems. It suggests that those in the North East, those who voted at least, wanted change. The rest of the country wanted more of the same.

And now a government minister has announced that they've provided security to the hotel where SF is staying. Hmmmm....... is my considered opinion on that one.

And crazily I've just been looking at the availability of flights in the coming weeks. I doubt I'll be able to organise the time and diary windows to do it, but I really feel that calling, the one to get out there and smell that aroma of Serendib, to be immersed in things.

Yes, it's fucking mental and crazy, but when Sri Lanka is in your blood it stays there. (unconfirmed).

PS - thanks to Groundviews, Indi, Dinidu and too many others to mention for all the updates on all the mediums.

The View From London

So here we are, the most important week in Sri Lanka until the next very important one. Everyone's talking about the election, of who'll win and, maybe more importantly, who'll lose.

Yesterday I had lunch with a bunch of diasporic Lankans and the conversation, in between juicy chunks of gossip about various CMB 7 types, wandered over to thoughts on the election. One fellow said that he reckoned, if the turnout is high, then SF would win. But he said that the turnout could be low and then Mahinda will get his next term.

If I was voting I'd face a tough choice. In one corner we have the President incumbent, the one, the only President who managed to defeat the LTTE. It's a fact, one that really cannot be disputed. We can argue about the methods, the Human rights issues, the allegations, the videos and the Western conspiracy theories, but we can't argue against the fact that Mahinda Rajapkase was the President who finally ended the decades of conflict.

In the other corner we've got Sarath Fonseka, a fact you probably don't need me to tell you, the General who won the war. As a politician he has a track record that's about as long as something very, very short, like me or any other average height Sri Lankan. I don't mean we have a short political track record, I mean we're short, often so short that we don't get any taller as we walk towards you.

As I see it you're faced with a simple scenario; vote for Rajapakse if you want more of the same. The nepotism, the despotism, the corruption and the two fingers up at the international community will continue, maybe even get stronger with MR in for another term.

If you want change then the only option is a vote for the General (retired). But you don't actually know if he can give you change, or if he does, whether it will actually be change for the better.

If I had a vote I think I'd give it to SF, just to take a chance and hope for reformation.

I wouldn't hold my breath though, it just seems like the only way to find out what will happen.

Kottu Stats Gone Mad?

A cursory glance at the Kottu stats made me do a double take. Twice.

Are the most popular Lankan blogs getting even more hits than usual or has there been a glitch in the system?

One thing's for sure; with the election looming larger than a pair of old Muslim aunts at a Sri Lankan wedding, the Lankanosphere's taken on a very different look and feel to normal, whatever normal is. Politics, of the Presidential kind, is all the rage these days.

Meanwhile I've been learning Mr Brightside and wondering what it is about it that so many people love.

Et vous?

Stay Away From This Blog

If you're one of these diasporic types like me.

The type who yearn for Serendib, who see a picture of some fairly innocuous thing like a bus and get all piney and Lankasick.

If a photo of the motherland makes a thousand words, ten thousand sounds and about eleven thousand smells jump to attention in your mind quicker than one of the assistants in a BIA duty free shop when a flight full of Suddhas arrives, then seriously, stay away from my good friend's, and probably your good friend's, new blog.

It's called Off The Beaten Track and it's full of those things that make me, DD, Darwin and chaps likes that want to hop on a plane for a long weekend over your way. I've linked to it on the left for your, and my, convenience. As Naren says

"However having returned home for the next few years watch this space for tales of my wandering around the island and other trips I have taken/will take in other lands."

You heard it here first. Or not, but, well, you know.

To Not Vote Or To Not Not Vote

David Blacker's comment on this eloquent and well written piece by Electra got me thinking. DB says, and I quote, hence the quotation marks:

"Whatever your viewpoint, I don’t think not voting is the answer. That’s the equivalent of saying I’m going up to my room, lemme know when it’s all better. To not vote is to avoid participation. I think a major fault of many SL voters is to want to back a winner rather than vote in a winner. In SL sometimes change for change’s sake isn’t an entirely bad thing. However, I think there are clear differences between the candidates — and just as important — between their allies."

It got me thinking about the issue of choosing not to vote in a democratic election. You see, fundamentally I believe that we, in whatever democracy we live, have the right to abstain. That right in itself is a part of the democratic process. It's an example of freedom, one of the two pillars of democracy, the other being pol sambol as we all know.

However, David also has a valid point when he says that not voting is the equivalent of saying I'm going up to my room until it's all better. In one way it is avoiding participation, in another way it's participating by not engaging with the process, which in itself can be interpreted as engaging with the process of democracy.

In the very specific case of the forthcoming Lankan Presidential election we have two main candidates and the likelihood, or the definite situation, is that one of them is going to win. Go and vote for one of the other twenty candidates and you're effectively throwing away a vote. So the choice lies between throwing away a vote with one of the minor candidates or giving your backing to SF or MR.

Many people don't back SF or MR, saying that it's a Hobson's choice. It's like being up shit creek without a paddle then getting thrown one made of crepe paper and chewing gum. These people are then in the position of voting not for the person they want but against the person they want the least. Of course not voting adds to the equation the very real possibility that your vote gets used without your knowledge anyway.

To me this is one of the most frustrating aspects to politics and elections and it's not unique to Sri Lanka by any means. We're facing the prospect of an election here in the UK and I'd be in the same position, that of voting for the party I thought was the least bad.

What is the solution to this dilemma?

One possibility is that, should the turnout for an election be below a predetermined figure, then the results are declared as invalid and a further election be called. But it's impractical. An invalid election would mean that the incumbent Prez or Government would probably remain in power until the next election, thereby perpetuating the problem of the people's dissatisfaction, not to mention the potential cost of further elections.

A further option is to somehow share power between the people who get a percentage of the vote if the overall turnout is low. So, if the required number of voters isn't reached, then a coalition government must be formed with the power divided in proportion to the votes each part actually receives. I don't know how this could work with regards to a Presidential election and it's got more drawbacks than the circumcision department at Apollo.

What ideas have you got? There must be a way in which we the voters are able to express our dissatisfaction with the options we're offered. Or is that what democracy should be to start with?

I'm off up to my room now.

No Island Is An Island

"Pity the poor Sri Lankan voter" began Chris Patten in his Op Ed in the New York Times.

And, before he'd even typed that final r in "voter" a band of people could be heard shouting from their platforms. They weren't just any platforms either, they were platforms on rooftops. They were shouting about the enemy West not supporting Sri Lanka, how it oh so hates Sri Lanka, of Chris Patten's "awful, patronizing and counter productive piece" and sounding like a "colonial dick".

From where I view things, yes I know, a million miles away from Sri Lanka, never having actually lived there and about as Lankan as George Dubya B wearing his cowboy boots and cowboy hat, at least that's what some think, the picture is vastly different.

"We have a real choice at this election and it's already delivering results" Indi says.

I say you're faced with a choice that really comes down to which moustache you prefer. The fact is that your next Prez will have a moustache, all well and good if you're a facial hair fan but not so rosy if you want a clean shaven chap.

Some of those results are the emptying of the IDP camps, the release of Tissainayagam and of course the building of the new flyover at Dehiwala junction. It's pretty much indisputable that they're good things. It's just the motivation behind them, the what might happen next after the election and the incredible coincidence that these things have only happened since the election was announced that many question.

Tissa's out on bail, the IDP's are no longer the grave potential threat they were to national security they were a few weeks ago and the flyover's only got two lanes anyhow. Putting innocent people in captivity then releasing them is good is it? Or is it fundamentally wrong that they were held in the first place?

"How dare the West criticise when the Americans and British went and invaded Iraq under false pretences and they're not being held accountable for that?" I've been asked.

"A million people protested against the Iraqi invasion in the UK and you still went ahead" I've also been told.

It has more or less been proved that Saddam didn't have WMDs and therefore we, the British public, were misled or misinformed. But to me the most salient point is that a million, or however many people, were allowed to voice their opposition. I didn't, I think I had a band practice that night, but I could have protested without thinking realistically that I might get shot or put in prison for the rest of my life as a consequence. I quite like that.

On top of that, I wasn't personally responsible for the Iraq situation, nor for Afghanistan, so telling me that I've no right to criticise things in Lanka because of the actions of the West is akin to telling me that I shouldn't talk about the dangers of driving at speed because a friend of mine got done for speeding once, which is to say, irrelevant.

Indi, and I'm sorry to focus on him so much but his is one of the most widely read blogs and his opinion is weighty at times, goes on to say

"The JVP and people like Gotabaya Rajapakse are trying to spread this idea of an international conspiracy against Sri Lanka and Patten plays right into their hands."

I think it's actually people with opinions like Indi's one who are playing into the aforementioned hands. The first line of defence, that of the international conspiracy, is becoming cliched and tiresome, it's a way of avoiding the very real issues, like a child sticking its fingers in its ears and saying "I'm not listening, I can't hear you."

"You don't live here, you don't know what it's really like" is another thing many say to many people. As a fellow who falls firmly in the you don't live here category I can only concur. But I don't necessarily agree that it's a bad thing.

The views of the diaspora and of any individual from afar are going to be different, they'll perhaps be more detached and less influenced by some of the nitty gritty and very local issues. That, however, doesn't make those views wrong or bad, just different. Perhaps, just perhaps, there's something to be gained from listening to the Chris Pattens of this world.

We the diaspora sit here in our ivory sugar coated towers and preach at you, the poor Sri Lankans who have to deal with things on a day to day basis. Well yes, in a way that's true, but another way to view things is that the perspectives of people at ground level and those at other levels can be used together to build up an overall picture upon which ideas and solutions can be based.

Let's stick two fingers up at the West, let's tell them where to put their money, their GSP Plus concessions, we don't need it, we'll manage without, some also say. Sri Lanka, like most other countries, depends heavily on international trade. There's tourism, garments and a plethora of other trading that goes on between Serendib and other countries.

It's all well and good to make a big gesture and say that we'll do fine on our own, we don't need your aid, but it's not about aid alone. There's also international relations, diplomatic relationships and strategic alliances to be considered.

I for one don't want my motherland to become the Chinese Republic of Sri Lanka. I want the chinese restaurants in Sri Lanka to be called chinese restaurants, not just restaurants.

For what it's worth I think Sri Lanka, the entity we all love with that weird passion we can't explain, needs to stop acting like the petulant kid. Disagree with the West? Sure, feel free. But stop telling others that they don't have the right to an opinion because their shoes are the wrong colour or because they once did something wrong.

What Would The Lankan One Be Then?

As much as I'd love to take the credit for this, I can't. I saw it, I laughed a lot, I copied and pasted it for your pleasure.

What would the paragraph for Sri Lanka read?

Alert Levels around the Globe.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "****ed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "****, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Have the finest of weekends out there.

RD

Blogstitution?

Am I the only one who smells a large portion of blogstitution in the Lankanosphere, from one particular blog at the moment?

Just wondering.

That's it for now.

More On Poo

Morning all. Sorry for yet another poo post but I felt I have to share this with you, particularly after my last one, on involuntary emissions here.

There I was, last week in casual conversation with a friend who's a Doctor, a medical one no less. The chit chat strolled over to the area of pooing, as many conversations people have with me tend to. I really don't understand why this occurs, there must be a common denominator in there somewhere.

I mentioned, all nonchalantly, how there's little better than a nice comfortable poo in one's own bathroom, with the reassurance of some warmth, a bit of good reading matter and a good chunk of time. A copy of Modern Drummer is often my choice but you might go for a newspaper or even a good bit of fiction if you're so inclined.

Most men would agree with me, it's one of the things we do. I draw the line at taking food or drink with me but, in my smoking days, I'd happily take a cigarette with me. Sometimes I'd even smoke it.

Women, we're told, are far more functional in toilets than us. This might be one of those great scams that the female sex often pulls on us, like this one on Facebook about the colours or that G spot fallacy, or should that be phallacy? But the fairer sex maintain the story that they barely even fart let alone sit on the throne and enjoy a good dump.

So anyway, I digress. I was involved in this mens' tete a tete with Dr M, the Doctor whose name begins with M. His response to my nonchalant comment about nice, long leisurely pooing was that we should all do quick poos, that ideally a dump should take about the same length of time as a decent pee.

I couldn't help myself. I winced and grimaced, making that face as if I was squeezing a slightly larger than the aperture one out. The same time as a decent pee? Seriously, that's what he said. Then he went on to explain that protracted sitting, straining, huffing and puffing can make the muscles get weak and loose.

The little men, those chaps in my mind who make it work at times, started to work a bit of overtime. Images of curtains flapping in a breeze compared with a good solid rollerblind sprung up as I thought about weak arse muscles, about what might happen if, hypothetically of course, a fellow had some of them. I put the question, hypothetical of course, to Dr M.

"So, if someone had weaker muscles around there, could that mean that they do a fair amount of involuntary farting, random ones when they're not expected?" I said. I could chuck in the "hypothetical of course" line one more time for effect. I won't, I don't want to overdo it, but I'm fairly sure that I did say it to him.

"Might that explain why, as we get older, we might drop a few unexpected ones when we cough or laugh or breathe?" I added.

Dr M pondered, in that way that academics do, he scratched a chin or two and looked upwards and to the right. I've noticed this in brainy people, they always look up and to the right and slightly squint when they're thinking. Normal chaps like me just look blank, wide eyed and startled. I think I might cultivate a looking up and to the right pose just to deal with brainboxes and to try to fit in with them.

"Hmmmm....yes that could happen" came the considered response.

"Damn" I thought, possibly out loud.

I'm now faced with a few dilemnas, or should that be a dilemni?

Is this involuntary emission business something I should be worried or proud about?

If I want to discourage the phenom then should I start to do quick poos, express ones? A sit down, perhaps one rapid push and then wipe and go.

If I go for the express option then how will I get through my back issues of Modern Drummer?

Your advice will be much appreciated.