Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Men, Women And Noises In The Night

It was Sunday night, some would call it Monday morning. Either way it was the middle of the night, that deep sleep period. I was fast asleep, not that I can actually remember it as I was unconscious, in a sleeping way.

C was fast asleep next to me in the spare room (hello Aunty) and things were peaceful.

Then the noise came.

There was no gradual build up. There was no warning, no linguine building up to a freschetti, or whatever it is that these musicians say in French.

A sudden burst of electronically generated tone, either a B flat or an A sharp, I couldn't be certain. But it was loud, it was shrill and it was constant.

I shot up in the bed, like one of those movie women when they've gone out, got really pissed and ending up sleeping with an ugly bloke, then woken up sober in the middle of the night with a shock as they've realised what they did. In my sleepy haze I pressed the snooze button on the alarm clock, then looked at the time.

It said 3.30 AM. I say "it said" but what I actually mean is that it projected cunningly onto the ceiling. For RD Towers is a hotbed of advanced technology as well as design. My projection alarm clock is one of those objects I rather adore. If I were an astronaut I'd take one up with me in my spaceship and use it to project the time onto the surface of the moon. I'm sure it could do it easily. Come to think of it I might try it tonight just from my bedroom.

"3.30" I thought. Weird. I also thought, but not in inverted commas this time. As I stirred into consciousness it dawned on me, though it wasn't yet dawn, that the noise wasn't actually the alarm clock. Hitting the snooze button was a reflex action and the noise stopped soon after, but it hadn't come from the alarm clock (projection type).

In the dark, with the light of Kingston Town shining in the bedroom, I wondered how I'd woken up in Jamaica, then realised it wasn't that Kingston Town. I waited and listened, hearing nothing but the distant rumble of silence. The noise, in its B flat or A sharp had made a hasty retreat. I sensed, with that man's intuition we're famous for, that it was hiding somewhere.

C, who is a person, not a note like A or B, not to be confused with A, the fifteen year old daughter of course, asked what the noise was. She had strolled into my bedroom from the spare room and was fully robed with only her eyes showing, maybe a bit of ankle too. There are notes who go by the name of C as well, I should mention for the sake of fairness.

We were puzzled about the noise. When I say "we" I mean me really. The woman's view on these sort of things is along the lines of

"There was a noise, I woke up. Now I'll go back to sleep and forget about the thing totally."

The average man, which I consider myself to be, or should that be whom I consider myself to be, is very different.

I went back to sleep with half an ear and half an eye open, waiting for the noise to come back but ready to catch it. I don't really know how you catch a noise but the idea made sense at the time. I was like a hunter feigning sleep to let the animal creep up, then I'd pounce and grab it with my bare hands and win a long and arduous fight.

The noise, possibly because it was an old and experienced one that knew my tactics, never returned. Or, if it did return it crept around silently without waking anyone. Noises are clever like that. I've lost count of the number of evil but silent ones I've met in my time. Some of them are invisible too. A noise that's silent, invisible and harmless is often the most dangerous.

The first thing I said to C in the morning was that I wondered what the noise was. The first look that she gave me was that woman's look, the one that goes "why the fuck are you still bothered about that?"

At work I told Gaz, one of my business partners about the noise. He, being a man, fully understood the importance of solving the mystery. We had a decent ten minute discussion about it, the possible causes and sources. Gaz suggested that it might have been a boat going past. It's still plausible. Not only that but I know there's a ships that pass in the night joke hidden in there somewhere, I just can't think of it.

We've considered things from mobile phones to smoke alarms and come to no conclusion. We're none the wiser.

Monday night saw no show from the noise. Perhaps it's been scared off. Maybe it's still lurking in RD Towers and biding its time. I should check behind the Superdry shirts to see it it's there.

Either way I'm still pondering on the matter.

Men will understand my need to solve this deep mystery. Women I reckon will frown with dissaproval, as if this is a trivial matter, as if there are far more important things in life to think about.

But, that's another topic. Can anyone tell me what the noise was?

Any advice on the best way to catch it would be much appreciated.


Anonymous said...

"fully robed with only her eyes showing, maybe a bit of ankle too."

lol... Arrr Deee!!! :P

Gerald said...

Set up a bear trap in the doorway.

Resident Princess said...

From a woman's point of view, I think you should not waste your time thinking about it. Since it hasn't reoccurred its probably nothing to worry about. I understand your plight though. My husband acts the same way. :)

maf said...

It could have been any of the following:
a)neighbour's alarm set to go off at 330am to catch an early flight from heathrow - first flights are at 530am if memory serves me right and it would take about an hour to get there so working backwards a 330am wake up..done this many a time to catch the first flight to ZRH on a monday morning
b)a snore but you said it was electronic :)
c)somebody ringing from La La Lanka where it would be 9am and then realising it was 330am your time.
d)a dream/vision thing that you should explore the origin of the sound
e)a ghost familiar with electronic sounds - most of those towers are built on somebody's past :)

the mind boggles :)

Rehani said...

That noise was probably your own FART bomb :P
Serious !

Rhythmic Diaspora said...

Anon - Well, you know!

Gerald - Nice idea, I can see that you appreciate the importance of the issue. A bear trap may be too subtle fot his type of "smart" noise I fear

Resident P - The problem with your opinion is the "from a woman's point of view" bit.

Maf - Yes. Here are the specifics:
a) - It could have been a neighbour's alarm but there was only one beep. Possible that said neighbour turned it off quickly for fear of disturbing his/her neighbours.

b) - def not a snore.

c) - my phone's ringtone is currently the Entertainer, so unlikely that only the first note would get played before the Lankan person rang off.

d)-Very possible

e) - Also possible, maybe a ghost that reads my blog too.

Rehani - Even I, with what I like to think is advanced buttock muscle control, can't do a fart with that kind of electronic sound. I wish I could though.

Middle Child said...

hey you've figured out women quite well it seems :)

Makuluwo said...

It was me.

LOL @ "In the dark, with the light of Kingston Town shining in the bedroom, I wondered how I'd woken up in Jamaica, then realised it wasn't that Kingston Town."

Anonymous said...

He hasnt got even close to figuring out women! Please.

But I have laughed out loud at the "workings" of a man's mind, after this last incident. I believe its driven by no particular motive.. a huge empty chasm with a few loose thoughts floating about randomly.

1. what was that noise
2. should I take the M25 or the A3...
3. yes her arse does look fat in that... dont say it out loud..
4. should I sand paper that table top or do my sit ups when i get home from work...or both, but which way round..
5. great boobs.. nice arse..great boobs..where's the coffee..i need to buy a razor...nice arse..


cerno said...

I think it is your projection alarm clock. Flux in its de Broglie Relation is clearly causing Quantum inversions of cold atoms in a microcavity of the projection beam (which can be infrequently noisy in that part of the world). Thankfully it should be fairly harmless unless you have it interact with cheap custard. I'm confident that a gent of your standing does NOT associate himself with cheap custard so you are safe.

Anonymous said...

It was NB's super spy's.

But yes men tend to try to solve the sounds in the night. women either just ignore it or freak out thinking its a robber.

Nevertheless men have to solve the mystery. Thats why we're the detectives. Refer Sam Spade and Sherlock Homes.