Thursday, September 3, 2009

Arse Wiping And Java's Balls Of Steel

It's been a while. With so much that's been going on lately I've hardly even thought about writing and arse or poo related post. And, just in case you're unsure, when I say "arse and poo" I'm not referring to a donkey and a talking bear that lives in a wood with a piglet and some other talking animals. I'm talking about the real things here. And we all know Winnie's got an h on the end of his name.

There are some bloggers who don't write as often as they used to, but when they do, I feel as if a ray of sunshine has drifted into a cloudy day on a picturesque beach. Java Jones is one such fellow and when he writes a post about arse wiping it's a bit like Jennifer Aniston doing just one more episode of Friends but insisting that it's a porn version.

After reading his post I had to leave a comment to ask Java what he meant by the term "bidet spray" and I was somewhat disappointed to hear that he meant exactly what I had thought; one of those shower head arse washing type things.

I have some experience of these things as my parents have one installed in the spare bathroom of their house, the one that I had when I stayed with them for those months. I feel that it's my duty to warn any of you unsuspecting people of the dangers of these bidet sprays.

At the outset I'm sure we're all agreed on the need for a clean poo dispenser. There's ongoing debate and discussion about the best way of achieving such a goal but no one aims for a dirty target.

Even Sittingnut, whom I imagine wanders around frothing at the mouth and spitting in all directions with each sentence, has probably got an arse so clean that he can see his face in it. The less polite types would crack a joke here about him talking out of it, I'm more refined and won't resort to such cracks.

Java tells us that he's a fan of bidet sprays in preference to bidets themselves. Less cumbersome and better for the environment he tells us. Well Mr Jones, I hereby invite you to come and take a crap at my parents' place in the downstairs bathroom, then let's see what you think. I'll try to explain.

For those who aren't aware a bidet spray is a legal way of installing a deadly weapon into the average bathroom. It sits somewhere near the toilet looking all innocent and waiting to pounce. Now, if you're of the female persuasion you probably won't get any of this. That's because you don't have balls, a clear display of irony. Women have balls and yet they don't have balls, mad isn't it?

These bidet sprays have a trigger thing that lets water out at a dangerous pressure. Some of them are decommissioned, the strength of the water jet is reduced, and they're then used by armed forces in less developed countries, like Australia, to quell riots, demonstrations and protests by those dangerous extremists, the ones who might have a different view to that of the government.

My first, and fifty per cent, which is nearly half, of my experience with the bidet spray went like this. If you're eating breakfast while reading this I would advise you to put down your seeni sambol, black pudding or whatever you're eating and then continue reading. Or finish your breakfast first.

The downstairs bathroom at my 'rents' place is about the size of an airline toilet, economy at that. If you step out of the shower cubicle without concentrating you can easily find one foot in the toilet and the other in the basin. There's really not enough room to swing a penis, let alone a cat. It's fortunate they don't have a cat.

They do have a bidet spray hanging by the tank thing though.

There I was, I'd done my absolutions or whatever that term that writers use is, I'd dry wiped and felt the need to do some more. I peered at the bidet spray and it stared back at me with its air of don't careness. I picked it up and half squeezed the trigger.

If I were a bidet spray maker I'd have a little set of printed instructions for people. It's not that obvious really. Do you hold the thing at the top of your arse pointing downwards? Do you go for a full on "into the cavern" attack, which may be good for swishing but surely inhibits the rinsing away side of things? Or do you adopt an underneath pointing upwards advance? These things just aren't intuitive, not like using a Mac.

I chose the underside pointing forwards attack.

I stood there in the sumo wrestler stance holding the bidet spray behind me with it pointing towards my rear. The head thing, the bit where the water comes from, was at the bottom of my bottom, the handle was above it. I pressed the trigger and hoped.

"Vdoom" went the noise and I instinctively released the trigger. I felt as if I'd been shot in the balls from behind by an eskimo with a gun whose bullets had frozen solid, not that I really know what that feels like. The jet of water had hit my balls and continued in the direction of the bathroom door. Girls you'll never understand the pain involved when we get hit in the balls. Periods, childbirth and all may make your eyes water a tad, but getting a nasty in the nasties is the real thing.

I looked at the bathroom door. I didn't care if the water had removed any excess poo from the arse area, I was more worried that it might have removed my balls. I stared and was relieved to see a distinct lack of RD balls hanging on the door. There was no cartoon like scene, you know, when Bugs Bunny hits a wall then slides down it slowly, featuring my nether regions. A quick visual check confirmed that they were still hanging in their intended position and the willy was intact too. Result, with a little mental note that, if I'm ever in a demo and the water cannons come out, I'm off.

I tried again, repositioning the angle of attack. This time I missed my genitals, missed my bum and water went everywhere. Here in England, when water gets all over a bathroom, we have to clear it up, we can't rely on tropical heat to make it evaporate in seconds. I did so and then resorted to good old fashioned toilet paper on the RD derriere. Arse wiping is a bit like a business venture, you have to know when to cut your losses.

Some weeks later I made another attempt. It wasn't quite as disastrous as the first but it was no less successful either. These bidet sprays are not made for a man with my lack of finesse and inherent clumsiness and impatience. A fellow like Java is a precision made instrument, the jewelled Swiss mechanical movement of the arse wiping game.

He's probably been practicing with these things for years, he must either have balls made of steel or they must be attached to the Jones perineum with some sort of industrial staples.

You've got to admire him.

It's paper and Andrex moist wipes for me all the way.


Sachintha said...

I had to suppress my laughs all the way, being at work and all you know!

But jeez, it takes only a little practice and you can master the art. Perhaps you can ask your old fellow for a lesson or two?

Anonymous said...

Fortunately I wasn't planning on having breakfast.

I think the problem with holding the sprayer right under your butt is surely that all the pieces of poo hanging by a thread on your arse area, fall on your hand. Sideways surely pushes bits of crap onto the back end of your penis.

Its a no win, dirty arse situation.

I say wet wipes are the best.

Java Jones said...

Hey RD - that was pretty hilarious, so now that I've done cracking up...

Any intelligent bidet-spray user will first test the water pressure by pointing the spray downwards. Then, when you finish adjusting the spray, point it to where you want to wash and pull the trigger. To be super-effective, you could use the other hand to ensure there are no stray bits of you-know-what that the spray hadn't succeeded in dislodging, or missed. I know your aversion to 'contact', but that's the simplest way of being sure!! Of course if you are in your own home, there's no need to test..obviously!

Your aim was obviously 'off' if the spray got your balls and not your anus. Either that or they are located 'cheek by jowl' with your ass-hole. Interesting!!

Having said all that, I must admit that I was negligent and was once nearly seriously injured when I had an experience similar to yours, but my aim (thank goodness) was okay and it was the aperture that had a close call.

Anyway, thanks for the kind words and charming introduction....

David Blacker said...

It's your technique, RD. All wrong. See, you gotta treat the bidet/shower like you would a 7.62-mm GPMG. Short controlled bursts until you're on target, then blaze out a 100-round belt. Basically, before you pull the trigger, you aim the head (of the bidet, not yours) at a butt cheek. You then pull the trigger in short bursts, walking the jet like a line of tracers across your cheek till you've acquired the target. Then blow the shit out of it.

But on the subject of bidets, one of our mutual wandering friends has a whole new use for a bidet. Ask her.

St. Fallen said...

dude I burst into a coughing fit of laughter over this
you've got the position wrong :P
NEVER spray from behind
get under the balls first and then do it, that way it's safe, fool :P

Dee said...

ROFL...! such a suddha.. ;)

Rhythmic Diaspora said...

Sach - Yes, I think I'll suggest that Java starts up some classes, they'll be like those women's etiquette classes except for men.

Anon - I concur. Wet wipes are the way forward.

Java - It all sounds rather complicated, I think the best thing may be for me to get an arse washing servant to do the necessaries. I will however, be seeking advice from you soon.

DB - It's all well and good for you military types to adopt an army type approach but your terminology means nothing to me. "Short controlled bursts" "100 round belts". These things are just words from Bruce Willis films to me! Mutual friend eh? Gosh, can only think of two possibilities here!

St Fallen - the prob with this approach is the risk if "toilet water" up the back. I consider myself to be one of life's risk takers, but even I have my limits.

Dee - There's no need for that!

Gallicissa said...

This is your best bathroom post by a long margin.

ViceUnVersa said...

Anticipate new post from you on washing your hands after a piss. Do, don't or it doesn't really matter?
On the subject of ass wiping vs. washing, RD you do need to convert to washing, the sooner the better. What if by some sudden strike of fate, you suddenly meet someone at lunch and they want to take you to their apartment the soonest and give you a good seeing to? Which may include rimming?
Ohh... another post for you, do rimmers wipe or wash?

Gyppo said...

This was so hilarious I had to tweet about it. I won't get into specifics because it's well, gross, but excellent bit of humour there. Thanks for the laugh :) Why is it so easy for men to talk about these things?

Oz Cuz said...

I am worried that I read this and the only thing that disturbed me was the veiled attack on Australia :/

Something is either very right with your post...or very wrong with me. I choose to go with the latter haha

Rhythmic Diaspora said...

Ozcuz - You've probably used the very bidet spray I'm taling about, it may be a family thing. Much love to you anyhow.

Makuluwo said...

Too much information but I almost fell off my chair laughing.
Noob. :P

Sachintha said...

Check this out RD, my damn feed doesn't work.

Anonymous said...

Like Java says, it's always best to test the spray out. Specially unknown sprays. The rest is an art, that you will learn in good time. :)

Although I hope your aim is much better on your own spray.

sittingnut said...

how very!
excuse me, while i wipe away the frothy spit (hopefully) you spread on me, when you wrote that sentence about me.
hate much? do you?
anyway, it is always good to know the mindset of ppl who hate one so much, esp those who goes around imaging things about state of my arse .

now lets see the "less polite types" spout hate ...sorry crack "jokes".

David said...

Anonymous could not be more wrong about pieces of pooh hanging and landing on your hand. For one thing you don't hold the sprayer directly underneath you but at an angle and believe me if he has that much hanging he's allot better off spraying it than wiping it! I think Dr. Oz on Oprah said it best: "if you had pee or poop on your hand, you wouldn't wipe it off with paper, would you? You'd wash it off” Available at with these you won't even need toilet paper any more, just a towel to dry off! Don’t worry, you can still leave some out for guests and can even make it the soft stuff without feeling guilty. It's cheap and can be installed without a plumber; and runs off the same water line to your toilet. You'll probably pay for it in a few months of toilet paper savings. As for water use a drought is always a concern and must be dealt with prudently but remember the water use of industrial users far exceeds the water use of household users and in the case of toilet paper manufacture it is huge. The pollution and significant power use from that manufacturing process also contributes to global warming so switching to a hand bidet sprayer and lowering your toilet paper use is very green in multiple ways.