Monday, July 14, 2008

Letters To My Lovers

With thanks to TMS for the inspiration.

Dear Deborah

You made puberty so much fun, so sexy and so erotic. Your experience and daring made me a happy teenager. I had to take down the posters from my ceiling but Parallel Lines remains one of my favourite albums of all time.

Dear Pamela

I never dreamt you'd be mine. I'd watch you running along the beach in your red bikini thing, blonde locks flowing gracefully and those totally natural things bouncing playfully, like cats in a bag. When I saw the video of you with the drummer bloke I though I might have a chance. Then I realised his band is slightly more famous than mine and he has a few million and a few inches more than I do. It was never meant to be.

Dear Janie

I'll always remember your long hair, the silkiness of your skin and the way you used to breathe so heavily when you were excited. I feel those walks in the park kicking the autumn leaves around as if it was yesterday. Our love was taboo though the connection was strong. If I'm honest I don't think the relationship would have gone anywhere. Your tail would have got in the way of things and you crapped everywhere. And you smelled like a dog.

Dear MG

Being with you taught me much about life, you'll forever have my gratitude and love. Those summers were so much fun, you going topless and me worried that you were too expensive and high maintenance. I suppose I let you go too easily in the end. But, once a chap gets his first company car that's often what happens. Let's face it all those lessons haven't helped much either. What's the point in knowing how to dismantle and service a set of twin carbs when modern cars are all computerised and impossible to work on anyway? I burnt my balls on your exhaust too.

Dear Pearl

I know I beat you frequently but I can't help it, I don't even feel bad or shameful afterwards. It's almost as if you like it. You've been there for me, through thick and thin. You've moved house with me, gone to pubs, clubs and theatres with me and even let other chaps have a go on you. I know I haven't been as good to you as many others would have been, I know I haven't changed your heads recently even though I've got new ones waiting. I'm sure our love will last, as long as you continue to take the punishment from me and I don't decide to learn the guitar or something.

Dear R

You're one of my earliest memories. You've been constant through my life, in bad times, good times and some very hungry times. You've soaked up so much for me, your warmth and kindness is there for all to see, but it's just me and millions of other Sri Lankans who have that very special relationship with you. It's only us who fully understand that you're the main man. We know that it's called "rice and curry" for a reason, we know that you're to be treated with respect and are always going to be the centrepiece in a good meal. Sure I may have flirted with others. String hoppers, hoppers, even the Italian pastas, but it's you whom I always come back to, it's you whom I couldn't do without, it's only you who has a (well, three actually) cooker in my house. And cous cous is just crap anyway.


Anonymous said...

Oh come on! you could have made it real!Funny ,nevertheless!

Ahamed Nizar said...

haha i love the pamela one
you crazy fuck

Anonymous said...

Loved the letters to MG, Pearl and R... :)

Hopefully someday I might be able to right a similar one, to an MG..

themissingsandwich said...

Halarious! And honestly quite real despite the tears of laughter rolling down my face right now. May I be inspired by your inspiration and write one on a similar tone?

Anonymous said...

Man how old are you guys? 20?? is this all, come out with it, reveal the rest. We know you may not want to write letters, at least list them up!

Rhythmic Diaspora said...

Thanks all - TMS, feel free, it was your idea in the first place anyway!

Kalusudda - 20?? Me?? I wish.

Anonymous said...

I always suspected you dated dogs

Java Jones said...

Hey Lover Boy - Nice one! I had no idea where you were coming from, not having read TMS' until just now.


Scrumpulicious said...

I refuse to believe that as a drummer you have had so little loving! :-P

Gallicissa said...

Good one Romeo!

David B lacker said...

Dammit, and there I was hoping for a whiny, depressed, self-absorbed post from you too.

gutterflower said...

I still think you and Janie could've had something special. Lol.

Good read. Laughed my ass off!

Rhythmic Diaspora said...

Thanks all

David - I'm sorry to have disappointed you!