Letters To My Lovers

With thanks to TMS for the inspiration.

Dear Deborah

You made puberty so much fun, so sexy and so erotic. Your experience and daring made me a happy teenager. I had to take down the posters from my ceiling but Parallel Lines remains one of my favourite albums of all time.

Dear Pamela

I never dreamt you'd be mine. I'd watch you running along the beach in your red bikini thing, blonde locks flowing gracefully and those totally natural things bouncing playfully, like cats in a bag. When I saw the video of you with the drummer bloke I though I might have a chance. Then I realised his band is slightly more famous than mine and he has a few million and a few inches more than I do. It was never meant to be.

Dear Janie

I'll always remember your long hair, the silkiness of your skin and the way you used to breathe so heavily when you were excited. I feel those walks in the park kicking the autumn leaves around as if it was yesterday. Our love was taboo though the connection was strong. If I'm honest I don't think the relationship would have gone anywhere. Your tail would have got in the way of things and you crapped everywhere. And you smelled like a dog.

Dear MG

Being with you taught me much about life, you'll forever have my gratitude and love. Those summers were so much fun, you going topless and me worried that you were too expensive and high maintenance. I suppose I let you go too easily in the end. But, once a chap gets his first company car that's often what happens. Let's face it all those lessons haven't helped much either. What's the point in knowing how to dismantle and service a set of twin carbs when modern cars are all computerised and impossible to work on anyway? I burnt my balls on your exhaust too.


Dear Pearl

I know I beat you frequently but I can't help it, I don't even feel bad or shameful afterwards. It's almost as if you like it. You've been there for me, through thick and thin. You've moved house with me, gone to pubs, clubs and theatres with me and even let other chaps have a go on you. I know I haven't been as good to you as many others would have been, I know I haven't changed your heads recently even though I've got new ones waiting. I'm sure our love will last, as long as you continue to take the punishment from me and I don't decide to learn the guitar or something.

Dear R

You're one of my earliest memories. You've been constant through my life, in bad times, good times and some very hungry times. You've soaked up so much for me, your warmth and kindness is there for all to see, but it's just me and millions of other Sri Lankans who have that very special relationship with you. It's only us who fully understand that you're the main man. We know that it's called "rice and curry" for a reason, we know that you're to be treated with respect and are always going to be the centrepiece in a good meal. Sure I may have flirted with others. String hoppers, hoppers, even the Italian pastas, but it's you whom I always come back to, it's you whom I couldn't do without, it's only you who has a (well, three actually) cooker in my house. And cous cous is just crap anyway.