Monday, October 20, 2008

Cars And Girls And Men

I like cars and I like driving. I always have liked them. Some of my earliest memories are of playing cars in sandpits and of building garages out of toy bricks and various drums that were scattered around the house.

Sadly, to this day, I can recall just about every number plate of each of my parents' cars. I can tell you that the white VW Variant they bought when I was about six was JLM 929K and so on. It might be one of my more boring posts if I list the number plates of all their cars though, I'm just giving you an example to illustrate things, to paint a picture, a car shaped one.

And I should probably apologise to women and hairdressers before I write this, but it's an indisputable fact to me that there are some cars that are man's cars and some that are womens' ones. Here they are:

The new Mini - A car of both sexes. The brilliantly designed machine looks good worn by men or women. Even though it's small and quaint it's good for both genders.

The new Beetle - A woman's car through and through. It's not that different to the new Mini in many ways. It's retro and a new version of a much loved old favourite. It's funky and it's German, which might be oxymoronic. But, it's a woman's car. This may well be because of the curves in the bodywork, of the car not the driver.

The old Mini and the old Beetle - Both sexes. Though these will probably be favoured by people who are more into form than function either one of the original types of these can be driven happily by boys or girls.

Porsche 911 - This car, the design icon that it is, is a man's car all the way. It might have the curves and grace of a supermodel but it's built for men and needs to be driven by men, real men like sportsmen and celebrity chefs, not musicians or creatives.

Audi TT - This is a funny thing. It's a sports car, with looks that I can only describe as sexy. In so many ways it looks like the 911, yet it's a woman's car, albeit the car of a woman most men wouldn't mess with. The man who drives one of these is a bit too much in touch with his feminine side. The woman who drives one has a feminine side all men would love to get in touch with.

Audi A4 Convertible - It's one for the ladies. Perhaps it's a hangover from all the paparazzi photographs of Princess Diana driving around London in her one in the 80s. I don't know but it's weird when you compare it to the car below.

BMW 3 Series Convertible - It's a man's car. The reasons fox me. It's so similar to the A4 in price, in performance and in looks, but it's just fact. A man looks quite at home in one of these. A woman looks disjointed, as if her Z3 is being serviced and she got given one of these for the dy by the garage.

BMW Z3 - Sorry but it is a woman's car. It's the curves and those air intake things one the sides. There's something about it that makes it unsuitable for men, even though they can be fast and mean and you can get one with an M badge on.

BMW Z4 - This machine, on the other hand, is for boys and men. As Good Charlotte said "Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money" or something. Well this is the car for the men that want speed and style. It's shouts masculine things as you walk past one, it roars at you with a throatiness in its voice and it's got a long bonnet. If it were a man it would act in porn films.

New Fiat 500 - These are becoming hugely popular here in London and it has to be said, they're great cars for both sexes. Breasts or a penis, it matters not which adornment you have, you can happily drive a new fiat 500 with either and all will look good and stylish.

Range Rover - I was watching an upper class looking woman driving one of these a few days ago and realised that this is enigmatic car. It's big, it's powerful and it's got manly lines and masculine hunks of body panel. It should really be a men only car. It's not though. Women, those of the horsey stature, can look perfectly at home in one of these. Maybe the sort of woman who could use her bare hands to hold open one of those bear traps while you get your leg out, but she'd still be glamorous and give you a damn good seeing to after she'd taken you home.

Mazda MX5 (Miata) - I probably shouldn't even list this here as it's too obvious but it doesn't matter what type of powerful engine they chuck in one of these or what bodykit is attached at minimal cost. It's a hairdresser's car and that's final.

It's Monday, have a great week all.


Anonymous said...

hairdresser's car???? huh???

Sean said...

Great post!

I agree with most of your conclusions... except maybe the Audi A4 Cabriolet.

Maybe you should do a more indepth version where you identify what type of man/woman drives each car?

Eg. an Audi RS4 and a BMW M3 are both men's a cars. But they are driven by very different sorts of men!