Monday, October 27, 2008

How To Do A Stealth Fart

As a blogger I sometimes feel an obligation to write an educational post, particular as I know some of my readers are a bit younger than myself. Some chaps write educational things about politics and management, the trivial things in life. I think it's better to write about important things, those that are of real use in everyday life.

Farting is one such subject. Stealth farts are one such example.

And one of the facts about being in charge of people at work is that one has to get good at doing stealth farts.

It's one that you have to sneak out. It's the James Bond of farts and has to be parachuted in behind enemy lines in the dead of night without the enemy realising it's infiltrated its territory. Years of training and hour upon hour of practice are needed before anyone can claim to be a master stealth farter.

You see, I sit in my office for most of the day. I put out the occasional fire and generally act as the sea of calmness that I am. That's what I do for about 5% of my working day. The rest of the time I practice drumming under the desk (honestly) and write bits and pieces in my blog. And do stealth farts. My office has a big glass wall and is surrounded by women. Loud and manly "Corr blimey have a whiff of this" type farts aren't really a viable option.

And, over the years, I've developed the level of arse cheek control to be a Samurai of stealth farting. I feel the urge, look around at the women in my office, then surreptitiously lift up my right cheek ever so slightly. This slight shifting of the cheek is important as it prevents air getting trapped and the fart becoming a loud riproarer.

Young novice stealth fart trainees often make the mistake of either not lifting the cheek enough, causing the aforementioned riproarer, or lifting the cheek too much, which keeps the fart silent but shows the casual observer what they're up to. Beginners may find it useful to cough or make a loud noise when practicing. This will disguise any noise that may be produced in the training stage.

The face is the next thing to work on. Because of the level of straining that goes on in the arse cheek vicinity the face can be a give away to the casual observer. Novices may find it particularly helpful to stare at their monitor with a look of bewilderment. This will give the impression that they are peering at a strange formula that's just gone wrong in their spreadsheet. Biting the inside of a lip can help with this. After practice you should get to the level where your face remains detached from your bum activities, but it can take years.

Smell is part of the stealth fart concept. A true stealth fart has to smell as if there's an evil illness hiding in the drawer in your office just behind an old prawn sandwich. A fart with no noise and no smell is frankly just a bum cheek movement. We're not interested in those.

When that fart smell creeps out and wafts around your office, perhaps your car or your shop, it can cause problems if you're unskilled. It's one thing to be sitting there basking in the smell of your own work, like a master painter gazing at a recently completed picture or perhaps Mr Sting after he listened to Roxanne for the first time. But, if someone else enters the environment you have to be ready. James Bond has his gun and all the latest gadgets when he's caught by Dr No, we have our wit and intelligence.

For some years I was fazed and foxed by the situation. I could do a good stealth fart, there'd be no noise and no facial giveaways but then I'd be stumped by someone walking into my office with a message or a question. The guilt would be written all over my face and the odour would be wafting all around my office. I would often see the person approaching and wonder if I should jump up from my chair and exit the office, but, by the time I'd made up my mind, the person would be standing next to me, pretending they couldn't smell anything. You know that feeling, you're both standing there and you both know who's farted but you pretend nothing's happened.

The method I've developed to deal with this isn't easy to get to grips with at first. It involves a high level of brazenness and not inconsiderable courage. It's like a bungee jump, you have to go for it with the confidence that all will work out well. Hesitation and dilly dallying will ruin it.

Yes, as the person walks into the environment you first act entirely normal, which may be a challenge for many. Then, after about twenty seconds you screw up your nose a bit. Then, after about another ten seconds, though some people prefer only seven or eight, you say something like

"Uuuurgh, have you dropped one?"

If the question is delivered with enough confidence and boldness, the subject, particularly if they have a few years on them, will think that perhaps it was them. They'll deny it, but leave the area thinking that they might have dropped one accidentally. It really is all in your performance.

Those of you with an even stronger cruel streak may choose to mock the person all afternoon. A bit of mentioning to others that so and so came into your office and dealt a really smelly one is always a good laugh.

That's it, I hope the lesson has been valuable.

Have a great week.

11 comments:

noorie said...

you kill me. i want to write that in caps, with a years worth off exclamation marks.

The Benevolent Dictator said...

hahaha....valuable words of wisdom...

Ahamed Nizar said...

haha im going to print this out...

Times Eye said...

That rocks.....i'm going to mail it to lot of people

FINroD said...

hahahahaha... brilliant mate.. brilliant another age old wisdom being passed down to us younglings :P lol hehehehe

Gallicissa said...

A Beginner's Guide to Stealth Farting by Rhythmic Diaspora.

What a ripper!

Rhythmic Diaspora said...

Thanks for the compliments, I'm just happy to pass on these valuable lessons I've learned over the years!

Foxhound said...

Oh man this is just genius... YOU SICK BASTARD!!!! LOL!

kalusudda said...

But I want to know how to walk away from one after dropping stealthily, say in front of about 120 students, where the wind blows (ha) from you to them! due to the placement of blowers and such? It is specially difficult after a cheese burrito from a hole in the wall!

Rhythmic Diaspora said...

Kalu - Maybe it would be an idea to call a random student up before you releaase the gas. Then, while discussing a vexing problem with said student, perhaps complimenting the chap on how well he has coloured in his homework or something, you can drop the stealth fart. As he returns to his seat you can pretend to notice it and blame the innocent fellow.

kalusudda.myopenid.com said...

Brilliant!