Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Can Men Wear Sarongs In England?

If you're a regular around these parts you'll know that I sometimes take a peek at the statistics for this blog. You'll perhaps know that I get many hours of amusement from looking at the words people have searched for in order to arrive at my blog. Perhaps you'll also know that sarongs are, in my view, one of the best inventions of all time.

If I had been around in Edwardian times, or whenever it was that the wheel and the sarong were invented, and I had appeared on one of those technology shows in which "experts" have to judge new inventions and say "Hit" or "miss", and if the sarong came up against the wheel, I would have kicked the wheel off the programme and kept the sarong.

Of course kicking a wheel off a programme is a bit stupid, as I would have been better off just to have rolled it away, but I may not have been fully debriefed on how wheels work. Frankly though, I think sarongs are a much more useful invention. How stupid would the average Sri Lankan male feel and look if we woke in the night and had to rummage around the bed to try and find our wheel before we got up to pee? Or what if you saw one of those toddy tapping fellows climbing a tree with just a wheel wrapped around his arse? What if Barefoot sold a range of wheels designed by Barbara Sansoni in a range of colours and patterns?

No, it just wouldn't be the same. Some people (stupid ones) may say that cars wouldn't move as easily with sarongs wrapped around the end of their axles instead of wheels. They might say that machinery wouldn't run as efficiently if all the wheels were replaced with sarongs, that planes would look comical as they landed with fourteen different sarongs dangling from their undercarriage. They'd put up an argument that the average car would look laughable with a "steering sarong" instead of a steering wheel.

Well bollocks to those stupid people. They're just negative and unimaginative. I've got no time for them at all. They're the sort of people who think that pyjamas are good nightwear for men and that shops only need to have one person to facilitate a small transaction. Any Sri Lankan knows that pyjamas are fundamentally flawed and any good shop must have at least four members of staff to facilitate even the simplest of transactions. Such are the laws of nature.

Back to my title though. I was captivated by the fact that someone had arrived at my blog after searching for the phrase

"Can men wear sarongs in England"

I though I'd whack out a quick post to help you, whoever you are. The short answer is no.

Under normal circumstances.

Here are the accepted exceptions:

At night in bed, preferably if you're Sri Lankan or Asian
If your name is David Beckham
If you're an old Indian or Asian chap with no regard to the fact that people will laugh at you.
Going to a fancy dress party.
If you want to look like a pillock. See here for further information. (one of my absolute favourite websites)

I hope the information proves useful to you.


Sam said...

well. i do that in NY. no one laught at me yet.

Ami said...

I must say Mr Diaspora; this thus far is your dull if not the dullest post.
What prompted you to write this? Yeah, yeah I know the google search of a person.
As someone who enjoys reading your witting, I am appalled.
Well……I am not really, I just wanted to sound British there. :P
I think you went down a notch or two here old chap.

Rhythmic Diaspora said...

ami - thanks for the input. Sorry if you didn't like it so much, I guess these things happen now and again. The thing is, whilst I am disappointed that a reader didn't like something, I actually do just write stuff for myself. I meant that I just jot things down that I think I'd find interesting or amusing if I read elsewhere. If someone likes it then that's great.