Ugly People Shouldn't have Tattoos?

About a year ago I got one done. It's one that I reckon could be put in the "tasteful" class. A Polynesian pattern in a circle at the top of my left arm, at least that's how it was described in the book.

I'd wanted one for a while and was keen to get one that I wouldn't regret when I hit 35 or so! I was also keen that I didn't get something done that would show up whenever I walked out of the house, not some massive pattern in blue ink sliding down my arm and oozing onto my hand, nor a piece of body art that all can see whenever I wear anything that isn't a nun's habit.

Here in the UK I've noticed that everyone's got one done. If I were a tattooist I'd be pleased about this. I'm not, I'm a drummer so it doesn't really matter to me, particularly as I'm not a drummer who owns a tattoo parlour. But it does appear to be the latest thing, the height of being in vogue and what all the kids are doing. I'm not against that, fashion is good as far as I'm concerned. What I struggle with is the alarming thing I've observed lately, it's something that, were I Prime Minister, King or even vaguely important, I'd ban with immediate effect.

Yes, it's the sheer vast quantity of wholly untrendy people sporting tattoos. They've always been a bit "working class" here, going back many years. Those old sailors and tradesmen used to get them done, presumably because it was a bit of a macho and manly thing to do. Think of Popeye and that old plumber that your parents used to use. Or any builder, or Winston Churchill.

Many of these working class heroes got old, fat and unkempt. When I was a kid it was quite normal to see these older types sporting their faded tats as they did the shopping or waded into the beach at Brighton with a knotted handkerchief on top of their head. Middle class people just didn't have a tat, unles they were army officers or something.

Nowadays it's all changed. Tattoos have been made available for the masses. The average tattoo parlour is frequented by the same demographic mix that can be found at the local Gap. A crowd that wears khaki trousers with a pleated front, a blue and white stripey shirt and sports a small tattoo on its right shoulder.

Actually I can live comfortably with the tattooed Gap crowd, particularly as I'm a member of that club. The blue and white stripey shirt is actually one of my favourites. But it's the sight of these totally square, dowdy and frumpy looking people, dressed like my old school physics teacher (sorry Mr Duke) with a little tattoo on their upper arm. Or these ugly and old fashioned women with a tiny little devil tattoo on their ankle. I see them everywhere in London and even in other parts of the world. I think the American ones are the worst. Jen or Britney with a cute little ink pattern on their right breast is simply the stuff of one of my dreams, but not Roseanne Barr or one of those tourists wandering around Victoria looking for the Queen.

Women and men who look as if they're models for a page straight out of the Saga Holidays catalogue, the epitome of squarely dressed people, stroll around sunny streets showing off their body art. The clothes are more normal and conservative than the stuff the members of the local parish council wear to their monthly meetings. It's all Jesus boots, Fruit of the Loom T shirts and Marks & Spencer shorts, or maybe even the dreaded "slacks". The whole look is set off by a tattoo of a little devil on a fat ankle somewhere, or a heart on the right shoulder blade.
It's as if a single tattoo can make a totally untrendy person into an Angelina type without anything else, no makeover and no millions in the bank.

I went to see Muse (as you probably know) the other day and the sun was out and all were in T shirts and general summery clothes. And everyone wore their tattoos with pride. There were arms full of ink everywhere, there were wrists with those band things, shoulders with little red shapes and necks with names all around. It's interesting to look at and, in the setting of a stadium gig by arguably the UK's biggest rock band, T shirts and tattoos appeared the perfect dress code.

My attitude towards my own one is one of understatement. The view and attitude that it's a bit personal, something I didn't get done so much for others to see as for myself and that select band of people to view. I don't strut my stuff in a vest top and I don't go around shouting

"look at my whacky artwork"

It's nice that a few people see it occasionally, or if I go swimming or do naked rude things then it will get seen, maybe even admired. It's just not a huge big public statement of my "trendiness" that I want all to be aware of.

But, enough about uglies.

I also find that there's something just so sexy about a beautiful woman, dressed stylishly with a subtle tattoo in one of the right places, one of the "beauty spots". Actually, the more I dwell on it, the more I think that a beauty spot could be pretty much anywhere as long as the tattoo is subtle and the person looks good in other ways too.

And subtle for me is something indefinable. It's all about the whole picture, the sense of style about the person and how they carry themselves.

But the ultimate beauty spot has got to be that lower back area, just above the bum.Maybe it's a sort of pointer to forbidden fruit or a suggestion of things to come, maybe it's a kind of pure vanity on the part of the woman, that's it's done wholly for the pleasure of someone who is approaching from that angle.

They're usually in some kind of shape that "points" downwards towards the bum too. That's not fair is it? Show me a man who doesn't catch themselves staring at one of those "above the bum" tattoos when they see a beautiful woman bending down and getting something off the bottom shelf in a supermarket and I'll show you a weirdo or someone who never goes to a supermarket. We can't resist.

Simple pleasures!