Mr Diaspora, would you take my daughter ice skating?

I'd be delighted!

I find myself in a situation that will make many men laugh,with a feeling of cruel mocking and a sense of "it's funny but I wouldn't want to be him".

Tomorrow morning will see me driving a minibus full to the brim with fifteen 11 year old girls. It's the 11 year old's birthday thing and it involves me taking this small army of scary things ice skating, followed by swimming. From morning to early evening. I figure that it will involve lots of counting and shouting, lots of buying food and plenty of good humour.

11 year old girls are one of the most dangerous species known to man. They're young enough to need looking after but old enough to be stroppy, sarcastic and disobedient. At 11 most boys are still bumping into furniture and trying to figure out the best way of eating mud. Whoever wrote that sugar and spice thing was just talking rubbish.

Ice skating and swimming aren't high up on the list of skills I possess. If I had to do a CV and came to the bit about hobbies and interests, the bit where most people write some rubbish about reading and going to the theatre, ice skating and swimming would appear just below Morris dancing and eating wattalapam. The only thing falling lower on the list would probably be driving a minibus full of 11 year old girls.

Am I being stupidly naive, wildly optimistic or just plain dumb in planning on taking my iPod and a book to relax with?

Is there even the slightest possibility that this will be calm and stress free?

If anyone wants to fly over and help you'll be most welcome.

Or just wish me luck. This may be my last ever post.