Friday, September 5, 2008

If I Was God - Men - Part 2

The improvements that will be evident in Woman V2.0 are documented here. As God I think I did quite a good job with woman V1.0, even if I say it myself.

Man V2.0 is a different matter. Drastic improvements are required in some important areas. It's not going to be a case of fine tuning but serious redesigning. So much so that I've been thinking about giving Man V2.0 a new name altogether. Any suggestions on this would be appreciated.

Here are the key points:

1. Emotions. These will be installed in Man 2.0 and will take the place of some of the huge amount of logic installed in V1.0.

2. Shopping. Currently there is only one man on the whole planet who likes shopping, a Sri Lankan drumming blogger. The improved man will like shopping. He will be happy to help a female browse through numerous items of female attire that, to his eyes, look exactly the same as each other anyway. His vocal programme will come pre installed with a selection of words and phrases that were only available in the female model before. Things like:

"I think the colour of those buttons really suits your eyes"

"Yes, it's very similar to the one Jennifer Aniston wore at that award ceremony"

These new phrases will replace the previous ones of

"Yeah it's fine" and "Why don't you just buy both and then we can go and eat?"

3. Penis. A ground up rethink has been necessary. The old model was too small (particularly in India), prone to stop working too early and frankly a bit ugly. The new model will be 9-10 inches long (5-6 in India), it will have a vibrate feature and a camera installed at the end. It will curve. The curve and camera will help the owner to locate the G spot on woman V1.0. Woman V2.0 will have the new G spot between the breasts. The new penis will be available in a series of bright colours and flowery designs. The owner will suffer immense pain if the new penis is involved in any uphill gardening. This will help women.

4. Post Coital Activity. The new and improved man will be able to do kissing, cuddling and general love type of stuff immediately after intercourse. Version 1.0 was programmed to roll over, fart and then fall asleep. Version 2.0 will be based on some of the men that are written about in books and sex blogs.

5. Eyes and ears. As a God it's important for me to live and learn. After all it's not as if I'm perfect or anything. Version 2.0 will feature eyes that work independently to each other as well as ears that do the same. I feel this will be useful, maybe even essential, for both men and women. It will mean that men will now be able to watch a woman as she talks to them and still eye up a sexy woman as she walks by with the other eye, thus avoiding getting a slap or an afternoon of silence. The independent ears will mean that the man will be able to watch TV and still listen to the woman as she talks in the background. Many years ago I had thought that introducing commercial breaks to TV programmes would enable women to talk without spoiling a man's enjoyment of the main programme. Sadly the women's brain couldn't deal with this.

6. Arms. The hands will be at the end of the upper arm, there won't be that lower arm bit, I don't know what it's called. This will stop men from scratching their balls at every opportunity.

7. Directions. Man V2.0 will find it a pleasurable experience to stop and ask someone for directions. The original version sees the act as a dent to the male ego, an admittance that he has failed and is not worthy of being labelled as a proper man. Then, once he's asked directions, he forgets what he's been told after the first bit anyway. The update will stop and ask the way at the first sign of getting lost, then will remember the exact directions that he has been given. I may even programme him so that he stops and asks ugly women as well as good looking ones, but first things first.

8. Toilet Roll Replacement. The final, maybe most important change, will be that Man V2.0 will have the amazing ability to change a toilet roll when the old one finishes. V1.0 can change tyres, TV channels and everything except his mind and toilet rolls. V2.0 will have special bits in his brain to enable him to grab a new roll and chuck it onto the holder. It's the most radical of all my changes and perhaps the hardest to develop but I'm determined to make it work.

So my people, these are the changes and improvements that will feature on the much awaited Version 2.0 of Man. If any of you women, or men, want anything else then please let me know.


Cherry Cheesecake said...

Reducing the number of farts, or even completely eliminating the farting ability altogether is very much appreciated! :D

Or another suggestion would be to replace the v1.0 's poisonous odour with a fragrance like "english rose" or "jasmine" might work as well.

Anonymous said...

"Why don't you just buy both and then we can go and eat?" - Brilliant RD and so true.

Soixante Neuf said...

Dear God,

Can't you programme in the ability to sing, dance and schmooze like Gene Kelly?

Yours hopefully,


Rhythmic Diaspora said...

6 - I'll see what I can do. Long time no comment!

Anonymous said...

wasnt gene kelly gay?

yes the ideal man!

uhu said...

Dear God,.. can you please make that a 100 megapixel, auto-focusing camera with Xenon flash and/or night vision. This G-spot is kinda hard to find :P

Soixante Neuf said...

anon: Hmm... I have a sneaking feeling he was. I think we need to ask God to make those beautiful gay men weaken and give to us if and when the fancy takes us and we want them..... Agreed?

God, what do you say to this??

Btw, yeah it's been a while. I have shirked my stalkerly duties. But not out of choice! Sorry.


Anonymous said...

Man If you were, you would have seen that I almost died! I have more appreciation to my mother than God now!
I welcome myself back! ;)

Rhythmic Diaspora said...

Kalu - Welcome back. We missed you!

Queen of the Dark Asylum said...