If I Was God - Women - Part One

I think now, give or take a couple of millenniums, would be about the right time to launch a new version of the species known as Humans. Let's face it, since I created the universe and all of its bits I haven't really done that much. I've kind of let things develop naturally.

Sure, I stepped in at times and gave things a little shove in the right direction. I bunged in that ice age to get rid of dinosaurs. After so many years I got bored with dinosaurs, they were far too big and scary and they had to go. Besides Jurassic Park would never have been made and Ross would never have been a paleontologist unless I killed them off.

Then, a couple of years later, I helped man figure out how to make fire. I got sick and tired of watching you lot eat cold food. All I ever saw was people sitting down to dinner and eating gazpacho, salads and cold pizza. Enough I thought. You need some fire.

After all the years of the Human body as it is I do think now is a great time for a relaunch. Version 2.0 will contain improvements to the male and female version. These tweaks will be both on the body and in the mind. Here are my plans:

FEMALE

1. Periods. These are necessary but the new version will have PMH instead of PMT. The H is for happiness. Bad moods and snapping at people will be replaced by happiness and joy, goodwill to all.

2. Lesbianism. This will be replaced by bisexuality. It's not fair that men fantasise about having two women and have little or no chance because those women aren't interested in men.

3. Does my bum look big in this? That whole thing when women ask the man how they look, whether the dress/trousers/shirt suits them, will stop. Women v2.0 will have a segment of brain that will understand how men think. That segment will signal that, when you ask a man how you look, he will always say that you look good or great. No man will respond with an answer like "Actually that doesn't suit you at all, your arse looks really fat in it and the colour makes you look like a sunburnt tourist."

4. The G Spot. I think I made a mistake in the positioning of it the first time around. Even I don't know exactly where it is so the phrase "God knows where it is" wouldn't even be correct. After some thought I've rejected the idea of putting the new redesigned G spot on the face, just next to the nose. This would create problems with make up and sunglasses etc. The new G spot will go bang smack in between the breasts. It makes it easy to find and it will mean men won't have to move around so much in bed. Truly a win win scenario. There'll be none of this "making a come here motion with the index finger" business. That just didn't work.

5. Logic. I'd chuck some of this into each woman's brain. Version 1.0, with no logic at all, was prone to unpredictable behaviour, so unpredicatable that it was only understood by other women and gay men. This will all change.

6. Headaches. Women V2.0 will still have headaches, but the best way of curing them will be by having sex. A simple fix to a age old problem.

7. Toilet things. The new and improved woman will be comfortable peeing while standing, thus avoiding issues about men leaving the toilet seat up. I'm considering making V2.0 like the smell of mens' farts but am aware that this may detract from the sheer pleasure men get from saying to their female companion "Uuuurgh smell that".

8. Channel Surfing. Women V2.0 will understand man's need to channel surf and to continually seek a better song on the music system of choice. I may build in an appreciation of Baywatch and Walker, Texas Ranger.

That's about it. Please don't feel left out. Tomorrow I'll announce the improvements to be made in Man Version 2.0.