Kottu - The TV Series

On Indi's original post about the Kottu Mag a comment by David Blacker almost slipped by unnoticed. I say "almost" because I for one did notice it. It was like the tiniest flick in my mind, only this particular tiny flick was against a domino piece that was leaning against another, which was leaning against another, which was.... you get the picture.

DB said, and I'm taking a big risk here and reproducing without his written permission, which might result in him suing me, killing me or just shrugging his shoulders:

"The TV idea we talked about, which takes it into a different dimension, might be better."

Ooooh, ooooh, ooooh, I thought. A TV series, now we're really cooking, though it probably wouldn't be a cooking programme, this is when it gets truly adventurous and exciting.

And who would I choose to play the Lankan bloggers in this new series that's almost certainly on the cards?

Firstly, probably most importantly there's Indi himself. An ideas chap with energy and enthsiasm, youngish and with highly a suspicious sense of fashion about him. Yes, there can be no doubt that Tony Montana, as played by Al Pacino, would be perfect for the role. Indi likes to play that game, Risk, and it's only a few steps away from being like Tony Montana. It fits.

Next I thought about Dinidu. His youthful zest for life, his endearing naivety about things, which gets knocked out of us older people and we often wish it hadn't been, his intellect and warmth are things that would have to be portrayed by a skilled actor with sensitivity and care. At first I instantly thought of Leonardo DiCaprio, but I think his hair's not quite right for it. I settled on the now retired Rick Moranis. Perhaps the prospect of playing Mr de Alwis would tease him out of retirement.

Let's look at some women.

First there's the Queen of the Lankanosphere, The Missing Sandwich. There wasn't much thinking needed for her role. With her pink hair, her deep thinking and out of the box ideas, her quirkiness and drive I knew immediately who'd be perfect for this. Yes, Phoebe Buffay from Friends is the automatic and natural choice.

Next is our Gyppo, a bird who possesses a dangerous combination of looks and brain, rather like an Ostrich. And neither of them can fly, adding to the spookiness of the Ostrich / Gypsy connection. Who' d be able to fit the looks and brains mould, retaining the sense of youth and vim that G12 exudes. Ah yes, that Jessica Biel girl would slot in quite nicely, with a bit of work needed on her Lankan accent of course.

No episode of our new Kottu based soap would be complete without Lady Divine taking up a fair amount of on screen time. She'd be one of the main characters, liked by all and admired by many. I think there's a certain motherly tone to her, in the nicest possible way, and there's quirkiness in there too. If you've read her last two posts about growing up I'm sure you'll agree.

So continuing along the characters from Friends scenario started earlier the natural choice would be Monica Geller. Problems may arise if Chandler gets a part, but I haven't decided this yet.

Next we come to the very important role of Cerno. We need a wise and fatherly fellow to fill these big shoes. Someone a bit off the wall but with common sense, someone who can run with pack and also sprint ahead of it when he wants to. It needs to be a unique actor and Jean - Luc Picard, the best ever Captain of the USS Enterprise could, with a bit of coaching, be the man for the job.

David Blacker? Well I considered this for a nano second, maybe even less, and a certain Bruce Willis, once in the frame, was perfect. He's got the thinking man's hard man thing going on and he wouldn't have to shave his head either. I thought about Sly Stallone and Mickey Rourke for the key Blacker part but they both lacked the sophistication needed.

As for DD, well we need someone who's a little, ahem, more mature. We need a person who can portray DD with all his quirkiness and emotion. A thespian who used to have it and has still got it, you know what I mean. A chap who's continually changing with the times, evolving more quickly than those scary dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. Step up Jack Nicholson. Perfect.

And what about villains? There are only two that need to be included; Sittingnut and Voice In Colombo. After some thought and a few auditions I feel that they need to be portrayed by a double act, they go together, but not in a John Travolta and Olivia Newton John way. I've decided on Harry and Marv from the Home Alone films. Joe Pesci as Harry would play Sittingnut and Marv would be VIC.

St Fallen, the new hero and centre of the Kottu can be played by a young and rebellious type, someone who's dangerous, who women and gay men want to sleep with and other men want to be. James Dean, obviously back from the dead, is lined up for this.

As we near the end of my casting special post there are only three people left. The legend that is Java Jones, the legendess that is Naz Sansoni and the, well me.

Java's role is a crucial one. Played by an actor with presence and wisdom. He most probably wouldn't pop up in every episode but his appearances would be important, big and meaty. And Morgan Freeman, after some serious negotation has agreed to fill these rather large shoes.

For the role of Naz there were a few considerations but only one true possibility and that actress is Sharon Stone. She's got the mixture of maturity, style and sexiness and likes a dance or two. She can't work on Tuesdays though so we'll have to work around that.

I'm low profile in this production. Obviously my first thought for the actor to play me was Brad Pitt, but he's a little bit too out there and I felt as though he'd fail to portray the inner me, the sensitive RD that you all know. So I've settled on Johnny Depp, I figure he'd be able to do put across my foibles as well as my extreme intelligence. He's not perfect but I'm willing to compromise.

That's it. Apologies if I've missed anyone out, feel free to make any additions. I think I've done the hard bit now, all that's left is for someone to write the thing and film it. Easy.

Have a nice week all.