Wednesday, November 12, 2008

How To Do A Stealth Poo

We've covered the important topic of how to do a stealth fart in some detail. I think, in my modest way, that the post was useful, particularly to my younger readers who are starting out in their young adult lives and looking for useful information and pearls of wisdom.

The ability to do a competent stealth poo is crucial for a person to be able to impress others in social situations. Obviously these aren't situations where you're out with good friends, the sort who will hold you down and fart on your head. We're talking about situations with older people, maybe prospective in laws or the lie, around.

You might be scratching your head and puzzling over what exactly a stealth poo is right now, if you're a woman that is. If you're a man you'll be scratching your balls and puzzling of course. For the benefit of the uninformed I'll explain.

A stealth poo is one of the big ones that catches you short. It almost always happens when you're being entertained at someone else's house, though can also happen when you are the host, and you realise that there is a big log that needs to be released. You know that the dam of your arse won't be able to hold the waters of the log in until you've got home or your guests have left. You are faced with the propect of pooing in the, or one of the house toilets.

In a big sprawling Colombo 7 house this is one thing. You can go off to one of the many bathrooms and no one will notice your absence, hear the pooing or smell the odour. However, an average London house or a more middle class Sri Lankan one will potentially cause embarrassment, both for the pooer and the others.

In one of these small house everyone hears everything. The people in the sitting room will hear the farting from the bathroom, so obviously some stealth farting can be handy. But, they'll also hear the straining and crucially they'll hear the poo splash as it hits the water. Occasionally a chap will push out one of those extra long logs, the type that will hit the water before it breaks off, then slide gently and silently into the water like a snake in the undergrowth. It really is a beautiful and special thing, but rare and unpredictable.

A stealth poo is needed here and I feel it's only fair that I credit music biz bro for this idea, though he exists in blissful ignorance of the fact that I even have a blog, let alone that he's being written about even as I write.

The principle behind stealth pooing is to avoid the splash. Odour can't be helped, unless you decide to eat bland food for the twenty four hours before social intercourse, hardly practical for us lot who can't eat anything unless it's been fried in onions, garlic, curry leaves and chilli powder before the ingredients are added.

Music biz bro, the practical tinkerer in my family, came up with this clever idea when we were kids. It still works and I'm sure he still uses it, as should everyone.

What you do is to "line" the toilet with toilet paper before commencing excavations. About three or four sheets of paper, folded neatly and dropped gently into the pan usually does the trick. Any more than that will help with the silencing but vastly increase the likelihood of a two flush job, always awkward when out and about.

The paper acts as a cushion and the log, or logs, even small ones, always hit it gently then slide into the water with that snake like action, making less noise than a Sri Lankan Aiya sitting in the business class section of a flight because her employers have paid for her to look after the kids.

It's that simple.

A word of warning. In the event of a multi log poo there is a danger of the logs piling up on top of the paper, on rare occasions the backlog can go right up to your arse. Ensure that this doesn't happen by frequent visual checks on the work in progress. If it looks as if the poo is stacking up on the bed of paper then poke it down with something. You will usually find a toothbrush or hairbrush in your host's bathroom and these are ideal for this and will save your arm from getting wet or dirty.

This was a public service post from London, Lanka and drums.


Anonymous said...

I feel pooer now!

Cherry Cheesecake said...

Hey, I've learnt to do this too, putting in some toilet paper to avoid the splash and it also avoids the backsplash of water that occasionally ends up on your rump!

but I've never used the host's toothbrush..eew

Gallicissa said...

" a snake in the undergrowth" great analogy!
You really are a good naturalist.

This silencing technique, I think also helps to prevent leaving skid trails, which is a important advantage of your techinque that you haven't noted here. This could be a big problem if the water pressure from the flushing system is simplly unable to wipe them off from the first go forcing you to linger on for too long a time, which could be a bit uneasy.

Or do you advice the toothbrush or hairbrush method for quick erasing instead?

Rarely do you find people sharing such pearls of wisdom and I thank you for that and for such great manly humour.

Ms.Spice said...

hahahah. disgustingly funny boi, you.
"multi log poo" - you shouldn't be mentioning these things in this coming season -Christmas logs!

fatboy said...

Awesome. Glad to know that I'm not the only one employing this technique.

I've been using the technique for a long time now while you call it a stealth poo, I call it "Avoiding splash damage".