How Men Pee - A Short Lesson

The Sri Lankan blogosphere has its experts, all of whom we recognise and look to for guidance at various times.

If I want to know about politics, current affairs or a plethora of things I'll have a good look at Indi's blog. If it's advertising and creative things then I'm spoilt for choice, what with Viceunversa's place, TMS' and a few others. Photographic inspiration always comes from Dominic Sansoni's and Sebastian Posingis' blogs. Then, if I need to know about birds, of one kind, there's Amila's well known blog. If it's birds of the other variety I need to know about then, well let's face it, I'll go elsewhere, phone a friend or something.

And, though JP says we shouldn't start a sentence with "and", I'm going to throw caution to the wind and do it. That's the kind of guy I am. Sach, I do have a life, of sorts, it's mostly drum, kid and work related though. And, when I want to rebel, I sometimes start a sentence with an "and".

And, even if I say it myself, I think it's fair to call me the expert on toilet related matters in these parts. If you want to know a random fact about a number one or a number two a quick search on LLD will probably give you the information. I'm proud to be the first port of call for this important knowledge and its a responsibility I take seriously.

It's been too long since I wrote a fart or poo post, bless my pooing heart as she of any number of names would say. I like to think of myself as a chap who's in touch with his whole pooing and farting side. Most blokes are like me, we admire poo (if it's our own work), we sniff farts and generally laugh at anything related to toilet activity. The thing about men is that we accept this and get on with life.

Women, by and large, are different. They (or you) pretend that they're not interested in toilet related issues. You (or they) often don't talk about it even to each other, though I once overheard a little chat between Naz Sansoni and the Dancer about which one of them could fart the loudest. I didn't stick around to witness the shoot out though. I just placed my Rs 100 bet on the Dancer and went off to browse the book section.

The thing about women, farts and other toilet things is that they still do them. They fart, they probably have a good sniff of them and even glance into the bowl to have a look at their logs before dealing with the paperwork. They just don't talk about these things very often. It's a subtle but big difference. Women have periods, carry babies and give birth. We talk about toilet things to each other and know how painful it is to get kicked in the balls.

The first and most important one, unless you used to be in Wham, is that you never ever look at the weapon of the chap next to you. This is the rule that women can't understand and I've been asked many times how we do it, how we resist the urge to check out the size of the next man's tackle.

The answer is that it doesn't even cross our mind. We stare at the wall in front of us and very occasionally glance at the next door chap's face and nod politely. One of my best friends once found himself standing next to Patrick Stewart, or Jean - Luc Picard as he's better known, in a urinal. Not once did my friend glance at the Captain's willy. That's how strong we men are about the rule.

The second rule is that you have to fart as you pee, always at least twice. First at the beginning of the operation, often again in the middle and finally at the end as you're doing the final bits of straining. The middle farting is optional and can be any number but the opener and closer are laws of nature. If you don't do the opener then the pee won't begin and without the closer there'll be some pee left which could run down your leg.

It's not easy for us men, as we're straining and pushing in that groinal region things happen and can go pop, which is basically what a pee fart is. Additionally, the older we get the less control we have in the area, it's a sad fact of life. These days, at forty two I sometimes just get up from a chair and a little one can slip out without any effort on my part. Older fellows like DD and Java must get in some serious situations at times.

There you have it, those are the two most important rules for peeing as a man. There are more, but I'll come back to them at a later stage, I don't want to shoot too soon.

Happy Monday.